UnNews:Poor school attendance amongst zombies
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Poor school attendance amongst zombies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 30, 2017, 07:35:UTC)(
26 March 2009
MACCLESFIELD, U.K. -- Poor school attendance amongst children from Britain's undead community is likely to create a generation of zombies with few or no qualifications, writes the UnNews Supernatural Editor, who will be forced to find employment in underpaid low-skilled jobs such as fast-food restaurants when they leave education.
The situation came to light after it emerged that zombie girl, Dee Composition, achieved an attendance rate of just 60.4% at her school which demands all students to attend a minimum of 92%, leading headteacher Mr. I. N. Sensitive to send a letter to her parents informing of the situation.
Mrs. Composition - the girl's mother - spoke to UnNews from the family tomb in Macclesfield Municipal Cemetery on Tuesday night. "Of course I'm concerned that my daughter is not receiving the education she requires to have good prospects in the future," she told us. "But I don't think the school really understands how hard it is for zombie children to take it seriously. Schools just aren't a part of undead culture and our kids get bored so quickly. I know for a fact she was being bullied by some older girls, living ones I might add, which has been making her feel very uncomfortable - I don't want to say all the living kids are the same, it's just a small group of them. Maybe if the school introduced some sort of anti-prejudice scheme to teach the kids that zombies are human too it'd stop. Until then, I really think the problem will continue."
Dr. Belinda Snatch is a clinical psychologist who specialises in the treatment of children suffering from emotional problems that underlie a reluctance to attend school. "One of the chief causes of poor school attendance amongst children of undead ethnicity is that they get very bored at school," she says. "There's great pressure from their social groups to join in with traditional zombie recreational activities which are always going to appeal more greatly to the average adolescent mind - lurching about town with a horde of your peers, ripping out and consuming entrails and brains just seems so much more fun to a 15-year-old than trigonometry, algebra and grammar. We need to find ways to kindle their interest in academic subjects."
A project is already in place to identify successful zombies in order to provide positive role-models for undead children. "The aim is to get these kids thinking to themselves, "hey, if I knuckle down a bit, go to school and learn, I can be like that," but so far we've had difficulties in finding suitable zombie representatives to fulfill the role," says Department of Education spokesman Pat Ronise.
It seems they have a long way to go. UnNews telephoned Macclesfield School yesterday evening and were informed that Dee had once again failed to show up for school that morning.
- "School Bans Dead Girl From Prom For Poor Attendance". Anorak, March 25, 2009