Pontiff dubs Bible overrated?

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27 April 2018


Pope bashes Bible?

NEW YORK, USA -- Pope Francis is being both criticized and praised for putting the Bible on a list of 21 classics you don’t have to read before you die.

“His Holiness took 21 books he thinks should be digitally burned, okay, which doesn’t sound like a very hip thing,” Fox News religion contributor Father Jonathan told “UnNews. “And what I think he’s really trying to say, ‘Hey, listen we need to go in a different direction, we need to ban books in every form, a total book ban.’”

Father Jonathan also called the Bible’s inclusion on the list “no surprise,” because it comes shortly after the Pope’s monumental revelation that Hell does not exist — which might be seriously disconcerting to Luciferians. The Pope also might have suggested that God Herself may not be real, and that he himself might not really be the Pope.

"We've been told all our lives that we can only call ourselves well-read once we've read some Books. We tried," the Pope writes in an introduction to the list. "We realized that not all the Great Books have aged well. Some are racist, some are sexist, some are fascist and some are nihilist, but most are just really, really boring.”

“Even if you believe the Bible, over the last 2000 years a Nillion people have read the book," the Pontiff said. “And it’s getting boring, I mean, it’s always the same. Even if you watch “Raiders of the Lost Ark” more than 100 times it can get old, so what if you watch it over and over for thousands of years?”

The Pontiff’s no-need-to-read-book list appears in the May 2018 issue of GQ Magazine with the title "21 Books You Do Not Need to Read Before You Die." The story was posted online Thursday. The editors of GQ explained that although 21 books are listed, “The Origin of Species” is listed thrice, The Bible holds the No. 12 spot, the Koran is at No. 3, and Brave New World is entirely overlooked.

“The Holy Bible is rated very highly by the people who have not read it,” novelist Jesse Ball speculates in his Bible bash. “Those who have read it know there are some cool parts, where God seriously kick’s butt, but overall it is not the most interesting thing that man has ever produced. It is repetitive, self-contradictory, sententious, and at times down-right divine.”

He recommends reading instead OJ Simpson’s “If I Had Done It” calling it “a marvelous tale.”

The Pontiff says other books you don't have to read include "The Old Man and the Mermaid” by Ernest Hemingway, "The Alchemist" by Alan Greenspan, "A Farewell to Armies” by Mahatma Gandhi, “Secret Teaching of All Satanists” by Manley Hall, “Winning Through Abomination” by Donald Trump, “Moshe Frankenstein” by  Mary Shelley, and “What The Fuck Happened?” by perpetual loser Hillary Clinton. Also mentioned, “Catch-22” by DNC’s Tom Perez, “Staying Youthful” by Keith Richards and “Outhouse Five” by Kurt Vonnegut.

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