UnNews:Polygamous cults "grant women life-long great hair"
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Polygamous cults "grant women life-long great hair"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 05:29:UTC)(
10 April 2008
An international hair study has confirmed what we all felt deep down in our hearts; women who belong to polygamous cults have better hair than women who are not part of cults. A comprehensive study of 2000 female "Earn For Zion" cult members, 2000 average Josephines and three dogs proved all 2000 Earn For Zionists had "fantastic hair". Earn For Zion is a polygamous cult that doesn't believe in using modern technology, which means that none of them had access to mousse, hairspray, computers, hair straighteners or cameras.
Ellena Kirchner, one of the two Sexy scientists on the team, said:
|The results do not surprise us, you can tell from looking at the two groups of women which has better hair. In fact right from the outset I said "I can predict the results exactly". So I wrote down my 100% prediction on a piece of paper and everyone in the team looked at it and agreed. And now I can confirm, that after the test that I was precisely right.|
The study took six months, cost around $3m and has been described as "the most lavish and expensive scientific study of hair that has ever been conducted". There were 14 people involved in the study, including three professional hairdressers, two Sexy scientists, one biologist, six journalists and two scientists. Eric Bindel, the man behind the whole study simply said:
|Well, yar know, it get's boring arguing about religion after a while and didn't feel like getting into the stop-cancer thing, 'cause once you're in that you're labelled as "charitable" for the rest of your scientific life. Y'all know I actually had a friend who did one study into Alzheimer's and from then on he couldn't do anything but Alzheimer's stuff. What else is there, apart from animal testing (which I don't fancy 'cause I sure don't want my house blown up, yar know?) and poison research for the Russians, Iranians and Zimbabweans? But anyway, I knew a friend who had been doing this brain tests on this cult, and so one day I went on down to watch him. And y'all know what struck me? The female hair. So "Damn it!" I thought, "I want to prove that hair is more awesome than regular hair". And so that's what I've dedicated my life to for the last six, sexy months, y'all know what I mean?|
Everyone on the study seemed to enjoy the female cultists' hair. Some actually suffered from withdrawal symptoms after the study has finished. The most badly effected scientist is still in hospital, but the rest are all thought to be some state of mild trauma. Ellena Kircher, quoted above, who was one of the two Sexy scientists, describes how they became addicted to the hair:
| We used to wake up in the mornings and think "I've got to get back to that hair" and so the team would be up at ridiculous times, all ready to go down to the chicken hut we kept the cultists in.
When we were there we just spent hours running our hands through their hair. Actually, we were so enthralled by their hair we often forgot about the other chicken hut, which was slightly annoying since fifteen of the other 2000 died from starvation. Yeah, that was a bit of a blunder of my part, but with those normal people has such bad hair they didn't really deserve life.
Celebrity hair-dresser Johnnie Sapong, one of the three professional hair-dressers on the research team, said he was severely impressed with the ladies' hair, describing it as "brilliant. They could be models for the Spanish army or something, doing it without my new Sapong Awesome!© hair styling, all-in-one product, available in all good stores now is pretty impressive.".
Their leader, Warren Jeffs, was said to be "pleased" with the findings, but was not available for comment as he is currently in jail for rape.
This Article And Study Commissioned By Earn4 Plc., a branch of Earn For Zion Inc.