UnNews:Pols: Don't politicize Paris killings

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Pols: Don't politicize Paris killings

Where man always bites dog

UnNews Logo Potato
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 02:21:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

12 January 2015

Paris rally

Millions turned out to express their disapproval of murder and perhaps catch a glimpse of foreign leaders doing the same.

PARIS, France -- Politicians around the world have warned other politicians that last week's Islamic murders here must not be politicized — at least until they are done doing so.

Three million Frenchmen throughout the country engaged in moments of silent introspection and vowed not to let the killings spur Islamophobia, which could lead to murderphobia and even revive Naziphobia.

French President François Hollande told the crowd, "Paris is the capital of the world today." That would give it a good shot of securing the 2022 Olympics, though machine-gun massacres will be at most a demonstration sport. Regarding the attack on Charlie Hebdo, "We cannot allow this," a marcher named Laurent told a newsman, until he was informed that it had already happened; also that France already has strict controls against Muslim terrorists bringing their AK-47s into the capital city. Paris police set a good example by not bringing theirs.

However, Nigel Farage, whose UKIP movement seeks to liberate Britain from French domination, blamed the massacres on "a gross policy of multi-culturalism," as baguettes and croissants have proliferated through the U.K. Theresa May, the U.K.'s Home Secretary, replied that "It is irresponsible to talk about a fifth column." She noted that, if the Muslim influence were so subversive, they would declare their intentions to target Britain, and perhaps block police and infidels from entire neighbourhoods. Eric Pickles, the Tolerance Secretary, said it was "utterly wrong" to attempt political points so soon after the attack, and that common courtesy would have been to let the Prime Minister score the first political points.

Superobama

Leading from behind, the U.S. President personally ordered, from the Situation Room, that Seal Team Six "take down" the assailants.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu tried to recruit French Jews to his country if they felt threatened in France, but many were troubled about what they would do if Israel also experienced a wave of anti-Semitism.

U.S. President Barack Obama did not attend the rally, claiming it would have been disruptive, as the Secret Service would have insisted on evacuating Paris, putting a damper on the street protest, just as it cancelled an American veteran's wedding reception so that Mr. Obama could "play through" on his recent Hawaiian vacation. The White House stressed that Mr. Obama avoids expressions of vanity and is actually poor at "imaging" and salesmanship. It admitted that the President was watching an NFL football game while foreign leaders were locking arms, but Mr. Obama said, "I had the clicker" and switched over during commercials. Attorney General Eric Holder went to Paris "to help," as Al Sharpton was otherwise occupied, but did not attend the rally either, and thus could not shift the focus to America's legacy of slavery. Secretary of State John Kerry was suddenly in Pakistan to take a break from Muslim violence.

Mr. Hollande vowed not to let events lead to a public backlash. In the style of Mr. Obama, he said, "I have Le Pen and le phone."

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects