Poll: Mitt Romney the only thing nobody up in arms about

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11 October 2012

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Romney took a bigger piece than the birthday boy, but that's okay because "he's on TV."

RADIUMDALE, Idaho -- After a summer that featured a spate of American mass-shootings, the bitter entrenchment of the civil war in Syria and record-low arctic sea ice, a national survey has concluded that the only thing not considered a hot-button issue is Republican candidate Mitt Romney.

"Eh," said Gwenis Lestat, a second-shift cashier at the Radiumdale Go-Go Gas who was among the 1500 people polled nationally. "I guess I'll vote for him. I'm about 90 percent sure he's not a socialist Muslim born in Space Kenya. I can really only say I'm about 85 percent sure of that for Barack Obama."

Feelings on the opposite side of the aisle were equally tepid. Members of the Yellowcake County Democrats were quick to pounce on Romney's history in venture capital, but were unable to actually think of anything noteworthy about him personally.

"He was born rich," started YCD President Clifton Mortimer, but he was unable to finish the thought to his satisfaction. "His father, George W. Romney, was president of American Motors... but I don't really think that's such a big deal, now that I hear myself say it. I had a Gremlin in the '80s, and honestly I don't really associate that of sort thing with old money."

As of press time, everyone polled has concluded with a shrug.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.