UnNews:Politicians end fake shutdown with fake agreement
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Politicians end fake shutdown with fake agreement
We distort, you deride
Saturday, October 22, 2016, 01:58:UTC)(
17 October 2013
The agreement provides for business as usual until next January, when the same Kabuki dance will recur. Lawmakers agreed to negotiate well before the crisis deadline, even though no such thing happened before the 2012 "sequester," the "supercommittee" did no work at all, and no one talked before the deadline this time either. But the key to resuming business as usual is to promise that things will be different next time.
The 17-day shutdown had idled one-sixth of the federal workforce, though Congress already decided to pay them for time spent not working, and many will get to keep their unemployment checks too.
Republicans who control the House wanted to defund Obamacare, or perhaps delay it for one year, or maybe stall one of its 18 new taxes, or how about just giving us an oil pipeline? President Obama, for his part, wanted nothing at all, except to keep everything he got in 2010. He agreed to enter good-faith negotiations the moment Republicans surrendered, perhaps knowing them better than they know themselves.
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) signaled that the way forward was fakery when he made a 21-hour filibuster speech at the Senate that was not a real filibuster. All other Senators gave speeches that he was not a real Republican.
The financial press discussed dire predictions that the U.S. might not pay bond interest, and scientists discussed the effects if the shutdown made the earth leave its orbit around the sun. Mr. Obama promised, "I will not take earth out of orbit unless the other side forces me to." But Republicans remained united until impartial pollsters such as NBC revealed that Americans think politicians suck, and Republicans realized it might include them. A return to business as usual was assured as everyone viewed doing what he said he would do as a close second behind not sticking his neck out.
House Speaker John Boehner rode to the rescue, cobbling together Republicans who owe him a favor, with Democrats, whom he now owes a favor. Mr. Obama benefits too, as no one will say he cannot govern when the opposition shows it cannot oppose.
The article on Impeachment asserts that Republicans don't eat their young, except during Presidential Primaries. But the nation is now getting ready for an all-you-can-eat buffet, with most wishing we could get more than one year away from an even-numbered year.