UnNews:Polish astronaut on mission to prove Bin Laden not dead
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Polish astronaut on mission to prove Bin Laden not dead
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Thursday, January 19, 2017, 17:23:UTC)(
13 June 2011
WARSAW, Poland -- A determined Polish astronaut, backed by wealthy British nutter Richard Branson, was Sunday preparing for a mission in space to prove that the al Qaeda leader really isn’t dead, the Warsaw Post Reports.
Bill Warrenski, 59, has vowed to scour the far reaches of outer space to never, ever find the corpse and prove without a doubt that the terrorist leader’s body is nowhere to be found, proving that Osama bin Laden was never killed, the Post reported.
Warrenski, who has never discovered a single thing in his entire life, told the Post he was taking on the mission to expose the lie. "I'm doing it because I’m an honest and sensible Polak who wants to show the truth. I do it for Poland," he said.
The United States claimed that Bin Laden was killed at his hideout - the Pakistani Army’s VIP Guest House - in Abbottabad, Pakistan, during the early hours of May 2 in a botched raid by trainee helicopter pilots carrying US Navy Frogmen. The mission was headed by Commander Barak Obama, who controlled the action from the White House using his X-Box remote. The team claims to have killed bin Laden and left with his body, which was dipped in sulfuric acid, wrapped in a black cloth, and then blasted into space.
Afterwards the White House said it would not release erotic images of bin Laden's corpse, but the CIA did later show the XXX rated photographs to perverts willing to shell out $1,000,000 per glimpse of the iconic terrorist leader with his head blown off at the neck.
"The Obama administration should have released the photo, like they did with Billy the Kid, or John Dillinger, Jason, Freddy Kruger, Timothy McVeigh, or even Saddam Hussein," said Warrenski.
"I have a Russian girlfriend, and she tells me that over there, in intelligence circles, they don't believe bin Laden's really dead." Warrenski continued. “They believe he is in a CIA safe house some where in North Hollywood.”
The official story given to the global media is that Bin Laden was rocketed deep in outer space from the carrier USS Carl Vinson to adhere to Polish funeral rites, which prohibit burial at sea or on the land. Apart from Polish customs, the authorities also claimed that the dead terrorist leader was not buried on land or in the ocean so that fellow terrorists would not be able to make a shrine of the earth or the sea in Bin Laden's honor.
- Staff "California Diver on a Mission to Find Bin Laden's Body on the Sea Floor". Fox News, June 13, 2011