UnNews:Police strike yet again
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Police strike yet again
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 00:08 (UTC)
9 December 2006
NEW YORK, NY - Reports this week, talk of the kidnapping of a man from his local hostelry, 'The Corleone Lounge' by the International Crime Syndicate known as the Police. Vito Tagliatelle, was snatched by a gang of thugs dressed in snappy shirt and tie ensembles, as he and his friends Johnny No-Legs and Ricardo Diaz engaged in some light wagering on the outcomes of various sporting events and planned visits to local businesses to charitably offer security services in the hard-times coming up to Christmas.
After his abduction, number of Vito's friends clubbed together to pay his $50 ransom fee after he had informed them of the situation. He could only do this via one phone call that his kidnappers him permitted to make from an undisclosed location supposed to be in the Long Island area.
These violent criminals are also to be known to have stolen from the victims, removing some $2000 worth of federal inks and reprinting materials. Vito was especially upset by this larceny in a statement released earlier today, but as he explained 'not as upset as the local children now that I will not be able to send out my calligraphic Christmas cards this year.' Another festive season is ruined by the actions of organized crime.
History of 'the Police' The Police was originally invented in 1829 in the United Kingdom by philanthropist Sir Richard Police of Berkshire. Originally, it was to be an extension of the Scout movement, for the men who couldn't bear to leave it at the age of18. There were to be bi-monthly camping trips and badges for good progress in the fields of cookery, fishing and crocheting. However, on Sir Richard's untimely demise the Police was taken over and viciously re-branded into the organization that has been proudly ruining people's fun for over a century. As an intercontinental consortium, of some of the worlds most tainted yet genius minds, it has been particularly prolific in recent years, with general merriment being slowly yet surely quashed.
Will our streets ever be safe to walk at night? Not in a world where an amiable local businessman cannot engage in some light entertainment with friends and associates without being taken hostage.