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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 12:04 (UTC)
23 March 2007
NEW YORK, NY - In the decaying, poverty-ridden inner cities of America’s larger metropolises, citizens continue to believe that police are brutal pigs; what’s more, such residents contend, police stink!
“Cops sweat,” George Washington Mohammed Ali Jefferson Clinton of New York, told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “When one them muvvas put his gorilla arm round your neck, you be ready to pass out from the fumes: it smell worse than the men’s room of a subway station in Harlem.”
“The way the pigs smell is in itself police brutality,” Jose Eduardo Montilla-Rodriquez agreed. “They stink worse than any skunk. The smell of them turns my stomach.”
In an attempt to be more sensitive to their clients, police nationwide have adopted a new uniform that is manufactured of a specially scented, lightweight fabric that is impregnated with pleasant scents and a round-the-clock deodorant to keep law enforcement personnel smelling sweet and sweat free.
“When one of the men in blue intercept a thug, the gangbanger is more likely to want to kiss him than to resist arrest,” L. A. police commissioner Leroy Rufio declared. His department is thinking about adding dance classes to the police academy’s curriculum.
The police are also considering changing the colors of their uniforms from the characteristic blue to “soft pink, rose, or, perhaps, a gentle blue-green,” colors which, psychological research discloses, have a soothing effect.
Meanwhile, by July 2007, the men in blue may be expected to smell like a rose or strawberries, peaches. or vanilla--and even more scents and flavors are on their way.
- Lotta Lies "Will the scent of our policemen make us want to call them Officer Peaches?". Instant News, 11 seconds ago