UnNews:Police shoot pet Chihuahua dead after giving it warning
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
25 August 2009
BLUE ASH, Ohio — Police shot dead a Chihuahua-mix dog, but only after first warning it.
Jack was the 5-year-old pet of the Bullock family. The parents bought the dog as a young puppy for their then 7-year-old son Judas. "Our son needed the protection of a Chihuahua," said Mrs. Bullock. "He needed protection badly."
Mr. Bullock added, "Can you imagine being a first-grade boy with a name like that? When 'Bullock' means someone cut off your balls? I can."
While the Bullocks were out, the dog left, but later returned. "He was probably out looking for bullies," said Mr. Bullock, "a pre-emptive strike. Elementary school baddies were bad enough, but now our son's starting junior high. Those kids will do worse than call you names, much worse. They'll give you wedgies. I know."
But when the family returned home to their front porch, they were horrified. They nearly slipped on bullets and blood. They then saw a note telling them to call the police about their pet.
Police Officer Roger Greyface said, "Look, you have to understand what we're talking about here. The dog was home when we found it, sure, but before that it was wandering around the neighborhood. And this wasn't some tail-wagging, hand-licking, 4-lb. little puppy. This was a vicious, dangerous, 5-lb. dog. If you don't think five pounds is dangerous, my Smith & Wesson semiautomatic weighs just 1 lb., 8 1/4 oz. when it's empty." He patted his pistol and added, "right now it weighs just a little bit more."
Officer Ricardo Salazar agreed. "That perro dog he ran right for us, straight for me! Si, the dog he was on his property, but we were wearing our police officer uniforms. The dog he should have stopped. We even gave it the warning. I said, "¡Deténgase o disparo!" My partner he said it in English, 'Stop or I'll shoot!'"
"So whether it was a legal American dog or an illegal alien canine," said Greyface, "we spoke its language."
"I shot it with my Taser gun, and it went loco!" said Salazar. "When I tried to grab it by the throat, it bit me, and I could feel it! So we shot it dead. Three times."
Mr. Bullock told UnNews he couldn't understand why the police instantly resorted to violence, and didn't first call PETA. "They know how to serve and protect pets, not like these supposedly trained cops. PETA would have sent a protester right away to take off her clothes. That would have distracted Jack long enough that he could have been handcuffed, not shot. Then he could be tried in a just court and found innocent. Instead, he'll be found in the obituary pages."
Officer Greyface disagreed. "A naked girl on the front porch would have distracted us, not the dog. The dog could have done worse than one bite, much worse. The suspect could have bit twice. That second bite could have inflicted a terminal, fatal injury, even a terminal, deadly disease. I don't care if the suspect did have a clean record with no history of violence. We shot the dog with a Taser just once, and the mangey mutt went crazy. How do we know it didn't have rabies or bad temper?"
According to the Blue Ash Police Department, the officers will not be disciplined. The department said the officers were following standard procedure for dealing with a potentially dangerous Chihuahua-mix dog when found on its own front porch.
- Duncan Riley "Police shoot dead a chihuahua, but only after tasing it first". The Inquisitr, June 9, 2009