UnNews:Police mistake Black Friday lines for occupy crowds
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
24 November 2011
"There were hundreds of thousands of angry, despondent assholes in a long line stretching all the way back to the Ed Sullivan Theater where David Letterman does his show," said Officer Bob Lewis as he grinned. "Who the hell could blame us?"
Although the legendary department store did not open until 7 a.m., customers felt it was best to arrive three hours early for no apparent reason. "What the hell's wrong with kids these days?" Lewis asks. "Don't they ever sleep?"
The Occupy Wall Street protests have gotten so out-of-hand and so heavily shoved down our throats by the mainstream media that police were called to break up any large crowds around the NYC area. "It's getting uglier ever day," says Officer Marge Lez. "You didn't see this crap in the 60s or 70s."
Retired Capt. Ray Lewis, who was arrested in the Occupy protest on November 18, has spoken out against the cops. "These people have a constitutional right to buy whatever they want, whenever they want, so long as they don't steal it. These cops are idiots. Where's the signs? The people shouting and chanting? The only shouting I heard was 'Open the damn door!' at about 7:01 this morning, because they were late opening. The store apologized for the tardiness and kindly asked the cops to leave, but they refused."
The crowd threatened mutiny if the police wouldn't leave, but the cops didn't budge. So Jan Chan, 30, kicked two cops in the groin and the crowd proceeded to swipe every item in the store without second thoughts. "It was something out of that movie. That one with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad. What was it called?" [Editor's note: It was 1996's Jingle All The Way.]
Customers bought -- and even stole -- several clothing items, Blu-rays, DVDs, purses, shoes, winter coats, toys, musical instruments, desktops, laptops, floortops, iPods, Euroipods, iPads, iPhones, Zunes, home theater equipment such as high-end audiophile-grade receivers and speakers, books, and even a rare vinyl record of William Shatner's The Transformed Man.
Forty cops were arrested by other cops, and two cops arrested themselves -- even though they did nothing wrong. Stolen items were paid for, and "regular" Black Friday shopping resumed thereafter.
"See you all again in 2012..2013...2014" predicted Police Officer Sam Serpico as he was taken away.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|