UnNews:Police launch manhunt for beer burglar
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Police launch manhunt for beer burglar
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 00:17 (UTC)
1 August 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
BALLARAT, Australia GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK) -- Police in Ballarat have launched a manhunt for a beer burglar who is believed to have broken into the homes of the entire Ballarat Heights football team while they were sleeping, clubbed them over the head and taken all the money out of their wallets.
Detective-Sergeant Darrell Plonkerman said that he was "baffled and dismayed" by the extraordinary one-night crime spree, in which the beer burglar broke into the homes of 28 members of the Ballarat Heights Galahs club, in each case bludgeoning them with a blunt object while they slept before making off with their cash.
"What we're most concerned about is the apparently depraved sexual nature of these crimes," Det-Sgt Plonkerman said. "In many cases the victims reported that when they woke up it felt like someone had shat in their mouths, and in one case a player woke up to find that the beer burglar had stuck his own toothbrush up his arse."
"I'm absolutely spewing," said Galahs captain Walter "Garbo" Griffiths. "I had nearly 200 bucks in my wallet when I went out and now I've got nothing and my head feels like I went 15 rounds with Joe Bugner."
Galahs president Phil McCracken said he was distraught to hear of the burglaries and assaults, but said he hoped that the players would be consoled by the fact that the fund-raising night had been a success.
Police fear the beer burglar may be a copycat inspired by the Bacardi Breezer burglar, who last weekend did pretty much the same thing to the players' wives and girlfriends after a karaoke night at the Mumbler's Arms Hotel. Except instead of a toothbrush, thought, he used a carrot.