UnNews:Police find 'Werewolf' link to violence
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Police find 'Werewolf' link to violence
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 16:02:UTC)(
6 June 2007
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A POLICE FORCE is to put more officers on the streets during full moons because they believe that increases in violent crime during these times "may be mainly down to the emergance of werewolves when the moon is fat."
Sussex Police believe that wolf-man hybrids in the seaside city of Brighton and Hove are particularly aggressive during full moons, as it is thought that during this phase in the lunar cycle they develop an, "insatiable taste for human flesh and blood."
"I compared a graph of full moons and a graph of last year's suspected werewolf attacks and there is a trend," Inspector Andy Capp told the Brighton Argus newspaper. Commenting on the methods used in NYC to discourage werewolves attacks, NYC's Police Commissioner, Ray Kelly said "City officials quickly understood the warewolves need for human blood." Kelly continued cautiously, "With Mayor Bloomberg and his staff, the werewolves were starving to death for lack of the correct blood source and had to find other hunting grounds." "Sussex was an obvious choice."
"When there is a full moon out, we look at the sky and say, 'Oh no, all the werewolves will be out tonight,'" club bouncer Terry Terrance told the paper. Mr Terrance continued, "only last month my colleague had his throat torn out by a werewolf whom he refused entry to our club due to its unkempt and drunken demeanour. Luckily I managed to shoot the denizen of hell with a silver bullet." The police gave Terrance a summons for discharging a pistol within the City boundries.
In reaction another way had to be found to discourage the werewoves. "We don't like to break the law, but we been keepin' big wild cats, to scare the werewolves away." Terrance admitted to keeping two tigers and one lion in the pub's basement. "The big cats kill a bit less customers than the wolves." "It helps the bottom line."
"I mean, I have nothing against werewolves just as long as they behave themselves and stop trying to feast on our flesh and blood every time the moon is full!"
In angry reaction to the local business campaign "singling out" werewolves, PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - has announced that a demonstration will be held in front of the local businesses which take part in the "assault on peaceful werewolves, which are merely hungry." Beautiful but insane American actress, spokesnut Kim Bassinger said on behalf of the group that "We can not stand by when the rights of werewolves are being systematically violated." Bassinger was joined by idiot American talk show host Ricky Lake, who exclaimed to the assembled crowd of three, "This is as bad as the concentration camps of World War Two." PETA's demonstration will be scheduled for an evening when there will be no full moon.
In a not-surprising series of developments, a counter-demonstration has been announced by several Jewish groups to PETA's "insensitive" reference to concentration camps. And counter-counter-demonstrations to the Jewish groups' counter-demonstration has been announced by several Arab groups. At press time, there was no further information concerning any counter-counter-counter demonstrations to the Arabs groups. However, such are expected.
In separate findings, Sussex police also found that demonic possession and witchcraft were the cause of homosexuality. "There's no question about this," said Chief Inspector S. Holmes.