UnNews:Police fail to persuade banker to jump from roof
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Police fail to persuade banker to jump from roof
Where man always bites dog
Monday, August 21, 2017, 08:49:UTC)(
19 March 2015
TELFORD, England -- An internal investigation is underway into the failure of a police psychologist to persuade a banker with HSBC to jump to his death from the town's shopping-centre rooftop. The unnamed man, understood to be in his 40s, stood for more than two hours on the roof of a ten-story building, threatening to commit suicide, after claiming to be traumatized after bonus cuts forced him to sell his 60-foot luxury yacht.
The gathering crowd tried their best to encourage the banker to take his life. However, after two hours of encouragement, he had not taken the plunge and eventually the police were contacted to assist. On arrival the police quickly realised this was going to be a tough case, and flew in their chief negotiator.
The negotiator tried to encourage him to close his account for the good of the public, but the banker became reticent and refused to jump.
The police instigated crowd management techniques to maintain morale and peer pressure, at the same time appealing to the banker to do the right thing. Despite the force's best efforts and public opinion, the banker could not be persuaded to follow the moral compass.
Bystander Stanley Jenkins, a painter and decorator, said, “I was that disappointed, it actually made me feel quite sick. It finally looked like a banker was going to do the right thing, then he failed to cash in our investment.” Mr Jenkins added: “I’ve been here for hours, chanting, “Go on, jump!” and “How far can you bounce, you bastard?” There was nothing we could do to persuade him. I am a patriot and want the best for my country. The police have yet again failed us.”
The Police Complaints Authority are responding to over 5000 complaints from the public into the handling of this situation. Mark O’Connor, a detective sergeant for West Mercia police said: “I fully sympathize with the public and thank them for their support during this difficult situation. It is rare that we are unable to persuade someone who is suicidal to kill themselves. Unfortunately, new EU legislation prevents us from giving them a gentle shove.”
- John Shammas "Telford suicide: Thousands sign petition demanding police arrest sick mob who urged tragic man to jump". Daily Mirror, March 17 2015