UnNews:Police apologize for random shooting, blame it on "too much Grand Theft Auto"
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Police apologize for random shooting, blame it on "too much Grand Theft Auto"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 07:26:UTC)(
14 November 2007
NEW YORK, New York -- In the midst of a mass investigation for shooting an autistic savant who was definitely, definitely, carrying a hairbrush, police have apologized for their actions and blamed their random shooting of the teen on "too much Grand Theft Auto."
Police say they had been playing the game, in which the player takes on the role of a criminal in a city, for five straight hours. "We had the whole police force taking turns on our Playstation, trying to see who could get the most kills in a half hour," says one officer.
At around 9:00 that night, the police station received a frantic phone call from a woman stating that her mother was choking on her own dentures, to which the police responded "We'll be there in twenty minutes or so, just let us finish assassinating these rival gang leaders."
After finally finishing their round of the game ("It took a particularly long time," said one officer, "There was one old woman who was particularly reluctant about letting me beat her to death." He smiled reminisciently, and his fellow officer said, "You got that bitch eventually, though," and they high-fived in a manly way) the officers set out towards the building where the old woman was choking on her dentures.
"We were about half way there when we thought to ourselves, 'hey, what are we doing driving out to save some 90 year old woman who's not even HOT?' We decided instead to go out for a little joyride," continued the officer, "So we started cruising around, talking about some of the whores we had shot in the game and wondering whether we could catch Saw IV before dinner, when we saw this kid walking down the street, carrying a hairbrush."
"We thought, hell, why not play a little real-life Grand Theft Auto," said one police officer, smiling reminisciently, "So we got out of the car and shot him." After shooting the teen, witnesses report, the policemen looked over their heads excitedly, hoping to see "kill points" building up. Then, they got back in their car and drove off at reckless speeds, before crashing into a tree several blocks later. They then made the attempt to jack the car of a particularly obese man; unfortunately and rather surprisingly, however, the man actually fought back.
Before sending the three officers to serve their 4 week prison sentence, the judge in the court case complimented them on their fine kill, and made sure in his verdict that they would be placed in a cell where they could play Halo. Paul P, a source, said that the officers were close to beating Halo 3. They beat Halo shortly before they escaped prison.