UnNews:Police Hunt Salmon Attackers
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Police Hunt Salmon Attackers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 14:17:UTC)(
14 June 2007
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POLICE IN NEVADA are hunting two red-bearded assailants carrying fishing poles and wearing shirts with the words "Fish the Lucky Lady, Pier 1" who attacked a man with a wet salmon during what appears to have been a botched burglary. The victim claims the men launched a pointless assault on him, slapping him about the face and legs with a fish caught two or three weeks ago.
Paramedics treated the man for severe nonplusment and provided him with lemon-scented dishwashing soap to wash off the fishy odour left behind from the wet slaps. Speaking from his home this morning the victim, still picking off scales stuck to his body, wished to remain anonymous, but was none the wiser, "they threatened me with this floppy fish, demanding entry to my house. When I refused they hit me about the face and legs with the fish that they suddenly pulled from a Victoria Secret shopping bag."
"To say 'I feared for my life' would be an overstatement."
It was not clear if the attackers had caught the salmon themselves or if they bought it from a local fishery mongers shop. Police later warned the public not to approach anyone seen flourishing a slightly damaged salmon, or "any other type of fish!" "It is obvious these men are clearly a few crumbs short of a slice of bread."
The attack comes a week after a woman was attacked by two men wielding a portion of cod. Police laughed off any suggestion of a link between the two incidents.