UnNews:Polar Bears unveil new stargate
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Polar Bears unveil new stargate
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, October 14, 2015, 05:01:UTC)(
18 May 2008
Nunavut, Canada Flying in the face of the recent extinction status attributed to their species by misguided environmentalists, Polar Bears held a brief press conference today at the north pole, where almost continual sunlight provides for all of their communities futuristic, self-sustaining energy needs. A press release, translated into english from the native language of all enlightened star-travelling species, was made available, partly as a side-hobby of a eccentric bear.
"we go to other sector now - incoming nova - real crispy walrus soon - good salmon awaits there"
Humanity is expected to interpret this news in many ways. It is clear to some outspoken scientists that Polar Bears have always had a distinct advantage over humans, with their natural ability to hibernate during deep-space travel and survive for extended periods of time in extreme cold. Some have gone as far as to speculate that just before humans scattered throughout the galaxy die from the heat death of the universe, Polar Bears will be there, laughing at us. This has only increased the interest in sport hunting of Polar Bears - but few live to tell the tale.
Polar Bears have already proven themselves invulnerable to nuclear attack, as proven after the Russian's unsuccessful attempt to bomb them during the famous Tsar Bomba so called 'test'. Since then, the Russians fancy themselves rulers of the arctic, but well underseas. Canadians have a working relationship with the Polar Bears, brewing beer for them in exchange for protection from the Russians. Many in the industry are already saddened by their migration to a more tolerable star system.
"Naturally they want to get off this planet, " explained prominent interviewee man on the street, "as we all know the place is boiling up anyway, never mind this nova thing, whatever that is. I wish I'd been born a polar bear. I wouldn't mind living somewhere colder, as long as I could escape end times. "
Penguins, having divided this planet at the equator with Polar Bears during the last intergalactic war, are expected to reveal their own plans soon. Government agents have calculated that their heavy launch facility has already delivered over four billion tonnes of fish into deep space at near light speed.
- Duder "Polar Bears Extinction Theories Found Fatally Flawed". SomeNews, Recently