UnNews:Polar Bear Chastises 2011 Punching-Bear-In-Face Alaskan Contest
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Polar Bear Chastises 2011 Punching-Bear-In-Face Alaskan Contest
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 21:52:UTC)(
5 September 2011
Seattle, Washington, USA --- After hearing that Brooke Collins won the 2011 International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Championship by punching an unnamed Kodiak Bear in the balls, Percy Sledge Porridge, famous Polar Bear-American poet, humorist, and Pulitzer Prize-winning author of When Bears Die Because of You (1985) and Why Pooh Bear Must Be Stopped (2000), held a press conference at the University of Washington where he currently serves as Artist-In-Residence.
Porridge decried that the championship "continues to be a travesty and a bigoted attempt of Man to control nature," while lamenting that his former academic colleague, Dauchshund-American linguistics professor Joe Dog, aka Fudge, "is now a lobotomized pawn of Brooke Collins and her cronies, a once-brilliant dog linguist silenced in order to lure bears as a decoy, to be punched in the face by Collins' cyborgian, illiterate fists of fury."
"To me, this bear-punching reeks of the pro wrestling version of The English Invasion, when The Beatles and The Rolling Stones took over American music," Porridge said when asked of the rising success of bear-punching contests. "I only see this as bringing hate, more hate, and much more hate to all bears in the world. This is much more than Eurocentric borderline racism making Kodiak bears look even more like retarded ass-clowns. This is sacrilege."
When asked to comment about Brooke Collins' rising status as a sex symbol, and rumors of her upcoming techno album produced by Trevor Horn, Porridge barked, "You know, this is why we can't have nice things. If no one stands up to bear discrimination, we are not fighting the power. We are giving in to the salmon smell of those willing to beat bears in the head until they are blue in the face, until they are demoralized beyond repair. Brooke Collins can sing? What? Are you f---ing kidding me? Yeah, she's hot, and she sings. Wonderful. More ear damage for bears! We have a very, VERY sensitive hearing range."
Addressing rumors that Collins' management contacted Porridge, whose own techno albums topped the Billboard charts in the 1990s, to help produce her debut release, as well as tabloid reports that Porridge and Collins were formerly in an inter-species relationship, Porridge said that "these lies were created by Collins' people in order to get my attention. She was probably banging that Kodiak just to see if that bear had an offshore bank account...that's been documented. And why would I want to Cyrano de Bergerac my way into another pop song? F--- that. That guy from Canada, Brad Sucks, is one hell of a Weird Al Yankovic, though."
Currently working on a sequel to Why Pooh Bear Must Be Stopped, a satirical work about the marriage of show business and religious cults, Porridge claims that "these bear-punching contests are only around to fund this so-called New World Order of show business losers out to reclaim the days of Motown and the Easy-Listening 1970s. Let me tell you something. I was there during those times, and I'm glad that they're over. Never seen so many damaged, racist f---ks trying to be either smelly hippies, or prancing phonies spouting 'Hello, Pussycat!' like Warren Beatty. I mean, I like the music, but does it have to be at the expense of all bears who live in this world, and their only reward is to be punched in the face by pretty, pretty little girls under 90 pounds soaking wet? This must end...Nah, they have their right to do as they must. I have other things to do."
When asked if he will consider offers to reenter the music business where he was discovered as a fledgling singer-songwriter, Porridge replied, "Here's my message to future stalkers. Like Charlie Sheen says, PLAN BETTER."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
- Reuters "Alaska woman wins International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Championship". Yahoo! News, August 31, 2011