UnNews:Poland shocked as president’s coffin arrives in New Zealand
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Poland shocked as president’s coffin arrives in New Zealand
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 03:19:UTC)(
13 April 2010
WARSAW, West Russia -- The body of late Polish President Lech Kaczyński, who was killed in a plane crash in Russia over the weekend, was mistakenly flown to New Zealand, and the casket found to be empty.
Police in New Zealand examined the remains to find they were missing. Pole national airlines, Polak-Airski, expressed embarrassment at the mix up, but were at a loss to explain the missing remains.
Arnolov Komarov, who heads the rescue operation in Russia, told the Media, “What remains? Everything was completely disintegrated when the plane crashed! So we just sent an empty coffin to be symbolic!” Arnolov continued. “But we have no idea why the symbolic coffin was sent by mistake to New Zealand. But if Poland will demand a body-funeral, we can bury Kaczyński's twin who is alive at the moment.”
The coffin transportation error happened shortly after the correction of another serious blunder, in which Polak-Airski sent a letter to the "National Administrative Maximum Palace at Florence, Colorado", calling for Ted Kaczynski's body to be sent back to Poland. Polak-Airski was embarrassed by the discovery that Ted Kaczynski was still alive, as well as that he was not the late President, but some dumb American terrorist who'd sent random bombs for fun. It was only then that someone bothered to look at the first name.
People in Warsaw who were lined up along the streets where Kaczyński's body would pass on its way to the presidential palace where dismayed to hear of the mix up after having waited all day to receive the remains.
Poles across the country observed a two-hour moment of silence to remember their president and 96 others killed in the plane crash.
Residents flocked to central Warsaw, the site of the presidential palace, to mourn Kaczyński. They left wreaths and lit candles. By Sunday, the numbers grew to about 50-60 by some estimates. Many cried openly. Some cried closely. Others stared blankly at the sky, waiting for the plane that never arrived.
Meanwhile, investigators said they found the aircraft's flight data recorders in good condition and began the deciphering on Sunday. The independent Russian Interfax news agency released some of the flight data, which gives the cockpit conversation just before impact, as follows,
Pilot: "Infidels! This is Polak flight, ah, vhat does it matter? We request permission to crash!"
Tower: Permission to crash granted. Please smash into the area just east of Katyń on the outskirts of the town of Pieczorsk, close to Smoleńsk!”
Pilot: "Allahu Akbar! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
Radio: Transmission terminated.
The plane carrying Kaczyński crashed Saturday morning while supposed to land at an airport near Smoleńsk in Russia.
Kaczyński's wife, his mistresses, several Go-Go dancers, one or two priests and all top military officials were also killed in the crash.
The crash is being looked on as a possible accident caused by the Polish flight crew, although the black box voice recorder seems to indicate biological terrorism.
Authorities do not yet know what caused the crash, apart from impact with terrain. The international community has been quick to react. Russia has emphasized that there is no evidence it was responsible. Lithuania disputes this and Latvia has called on the United Nations to investigate. Georgia introtduced a national day of mourning and announced that Kaczyński is their new national hero (compare 2008 war in Georgia and Rambo-Kaczyński arriving to Georgia to conform feared Georgians). Turkey opened its mouth and promptly shut it again. A few other countries sighed. Italy fainted and was taken to hospital. Bosnia broke down in tears when it heard the news. One thing is for certain; it was definitely not a Russian flight controller talking on the Black Box, because none of them can speak a word of English.
Kaczyński had been president since December 2005, after he defeated rivals in the 13rd round of voting. Elections must now be held in Poland within 60 years, or until they finish digging the grave of a long-dead admiral who is being buried at sea, whichever comes first.
- Interfax "Poland shocked as president’s coffin arrives in New Zealand". CNN, April 12, 2010