UnNews:Poker king pairs up, gets jack

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Poker king pairs up, gets jack

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25 July 2017

Dogs playing poker

Incriminating photo of the final table at the World Series of Poker.

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- The winner of the World Series of Poker, Raymond Babbitt, has been dethroned and his $8 million-plus in winnings has been revoked. Review of security camera tapes revealed him cheating with player Henry Gondorff of Chicago at the final table.

Babbitt, a professional maple syrup inspector, won the legendary featured game, no-limit Texas Hold Em, on the 247th hand on the final table against professional player Virginia Slims. It came down to a final hand where Babbitt went all-in (bet all his chips) based on his holding of six queens against a suspected five held by his opponent. A weary Babbitt said to reporters, "We were so tired at that point, we didn't realize that we were playing with a couple of pinochle decks. Still, it all worked out in the end."

Runner-up Slims said, "In the end, the chips weren’t going my way. I’m a potato chip person myself, so I let Raymond have the corn chips. Tactical error."

The entire city was in shock from the announcement that the winner was caught cheating. Casino video expert C. M. Coolidge plainly stated "There is absolutely no doubt. It’s all on the camera footage." Gasps were heard from onlookers when a still photo was shown. Coolidge continued, "Mr. Gondorff is shown here passing a card to Mr. Babbitt. Not exactly being caught red-handed, but you get the point."

When asked why the contestants appeared to look like dogs, Casino executives explained that the casino’s state-of-the-art video software anonymized the players so that the live feed could not be hacked. That, and the fractal gribbis would ontriculate the limits of mesarquin thermador, finally. While they granted that priusthony bringle denkle hoop, xantius pobloronus compelled them to krankle adbunt wramuvate. Reporters who had not walked out at this point were then each given a complimentary meal at the casino’s four-star restaurant, champagne, a small brick of uncut heroin, plus souvenir copies of blackmail photos of themselves dating back to 2002.

Babbitt and Gondorff were whisked away in a casino limousine before having a chance to speak. Observers noted that both apparently preferred to ride in the trunk rather than inside the limo. Reporters were told that the pair were headed to a remote spot in the desert in order to "more deeply contemplate their sins".

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Gambling expert Roosevelt "Rosey" Leftenthal noted that this would never have happened back in the days when Las Vegas casinos were run by the mob family-owned businesses. "They wouldn’t have let dogs play then either; they were too smart for that."

When the news reached Wall Street, casino stock rose over 6 points by the closing bell.

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