UnNews:Point-Counterpoint: Should the Union charter a new National Bank?
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Point-Counterpoint: Should the Union charter a new National Bank?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, December 2, 2015, 00:42:UTC)(
16 May 1840
Point: A National Bank is Needed to End the Panic of 1837
By: Abel Spencer
Our current president, Martin "Little Matty" Van Buren wishes to continue the failed Democrat economic policy of not doing whatsoever to deal with Panic of 1837, while effeminately sipping champange and wearing his French silken ruffled shirt. And what would you expect, he called himself Van Buren, "van" being the Dutch equivalent of the noble German prefix "von". He even capitalizes his title of nobility, as if to exclaim how much better he than then the common folk. As if his dandy European mannerisms and periwig weren't enough to distinguish him from real Americans.
But the foppish lifestyle of little Van Ruin pales in comparison his negro-loving vice-president, Richard Mentor Johnson. Not only does Johnson openly admit his sexual relations with his negro concubines, but imagines them to be his common law wives, and his bastard mulatto daughter to be his legitimate heir.
And on the subject of sexual immorality and and negroes, don't get me started about the head of the Democratic party, Andrew Jackson. Not only was Jackson's wife was a bigamist, and Jackson himself is a mulatto. "Jackson" isn't even a white man's last name. Think of a famous person who surname is Jackson? Was s/he a negro?
Additionally, Jackson is noted for his quick temper, contempt for the institution of marriage, afro, and love of watermelon. Clearly, he's a mulatto. Would a white man marry another man's wife, and then have the audacity to have a hissy fit when someone brings up that fact? Clearly not. If he didn't people pointing out that his wife was a bigamist, he should have waited until his wife was properly divorced from her first husband before he married her. Or better yet, he shouldn't have been courting married women in the first place, but what do you expect from his kind?
In conclusion, America needs a national bank.
Counterpoint: A National Bank is a Threat to American Liberty
By: Felix Campbell
The Whigs assert that we need a national bank. They also assert that a frail and senile old man should be elected president of the United States. William Henry Harrison is 68 years old! At such advanced age, the pressure of the office of president is likely going to kill him within a month.
Additionally, Harrison is an impoverished rustic who lives in a log cabin in the backwoods of Ohio, spending his days drinking hard cider, rambling on about "kids and there new-fangled steam boats and telegraphs", and offering his house guests a hard candy. Seriously, who still lives a log cabin! You'd think he could afford a more suitable lodging with his pensions. But apparently, he spends everything on liquor.
On a related note, the other Whigs are just as unqualified to be president as Harrison. John C. Calhoun is a werewolf and a secessionist. He also has rather wholly hair, if you know what I mean. John Quincy Adams is a Unitarian and pimp for the Tsar of Russia. Daniel Webster is a bankrupt alcoholic (like Harrison) and a gambling addict. And finally, Henry Clay is gay and retarted and fat and I hope he gets some sick!
In conclusion, America does not need a national bank.
- United States presidential election, 1840
- UnNews:Point-Counterpoint:Should American health care reform include a public option?
- Martin van Buren
- William Henry Harrison
- John C. Calhoun
- ↑ And on a related note, van Buren has a Dutch accent, probably because French isn't quite gay enough
- ↑ and "buren", incidentally, is the Dutch word for "ruin."
- ↑ Unlike proper southern gentlemen, who keep their carnal slave relations secret
- ↑ Adjusting for inflation, that would be mid to late 70's by modern standards