|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
26 February 2009
edit Point: I welcome the return of the era of big government.
By Mark Anderson
When Bill Clinton declared that "the era of big government is over" ten years ago, it made me sad. The fact is, government does all kinds of great things for us. For example, during the era of big government, I was able to quit my day job as a systems analyst and instead start instructing my two teenage daughters to immediately begin having unprotected, high-risk sex. Within three short years, the welfare stipends for my seven syphilitic grandchildren were nearly twice what I had made before!
Also, I really enjoyed the government employee who would come over every morning to brush my teeth. His suit always smelled like corn starch and compassion. When Clinton laid off the entire Department of Oral Hygiene, I guess Ralph had to find another job. I miss him. I also miss my teeth.
Fortunately, Barack Obama has pledged to usher in the return of the era of big government, and I couldn't welcome it more. As a former black man, Obama knows all too well how nice it is to be randomly given money. I mean, before Clinton ended the era of big government, I used to get these checks for $300 or $600 in the mail for absolutely no reason at all! It will be nice to see those again.
Ronald Reagan once compared government to a baby that eats and poops. I never really got that, but then, Reagan did have the Alzheimer's. A better comparison would be to a seventy-foot combat robot. See, a seventy-foot combat robot is very useful. It could use the giant circular saw on its arm to cut the limbs off one of my syphilitic, lice-infested grandchildren, which would make the Social Security people pay me additional benefits. And lately, my benefits have been so low that my project to hire an acting troupe to re-enact the Columbine shootings has been put on hold.
But in today's society, our budget for robots is too low. I know: I could only afford to build a thirty foot tall robot, even after I programmed it to redesign one of my syphilitic, lice-infested, autistic grandchildren's facial features to make her look more Native American. The additional benefits did allow me to add a five-foot tall antenna on the top of its head, but it just wasn't the same.
In conclusion: President Obama, I applaud your decision to bring back the era of big government. Next time Ralph comes over, could you have him bring me some dentures? I'm getting tired of having to tape my grandchildren's baby teeth to my gums.
By Ralph Hicks
You see, big government is a truly evil thing. The bigger the government is, the more likely it is to take away my Christianity. That's right: government agents will come to my front door, drill a hole in my head, and the next thing you know, I'll believe that Father Kwanzaa died for my sins. And then they'll sell my religion to the spics, who will probably make a chicken coop out of it or something.
As government gets bigger, all it does is take away my money and give it to people who don't want to work. All the hard hours I spent slaving away at buying cold medicine, turning it into white powder, and selling that white powder to motorcycle enthusiasts, will all be for nothing. I'll barely have an incentive to work anymore.
Well, the government can have my money, my product, and Jesus, when they tear them out of my cold, white hands. Which will also be holding a shotgun. That's right: I'll be holding a shotgun, a fistful of bills, a baggie of converted cold medicine, and the late Jesus Christ, and I'll be dead. That's all that big government will get us in the end.
Frankly, I knew that Barack Obama was a socialist all along. I think my first clue was when he said "I am a socialist." That could have been my cousin Ted doing his chimp impression, though. I'm not sure. It had been a really long day at work, and there was this explosion, and I got this stuff all over me.
But the last thing America needs right now is socialism. Look at some famous socialists: Castro, Stalin, Hussein. You know what they had in common? Terrible mustaches. And Barack Obama would look like an asshole with a mustache. Seriously, get a picture of him and draw a mustache on it. I know I have. Looks just like a damn monkey with a mustache.
No, the last thing America needs right now is big government. What America needs is small government. Like a government run entirely by midgets. That way, when the midgets come to pry Jesus out of my hands, I can beat them to death with his arm. He won't mind. If he can come back from the dead, I'm sure he can grow an arm. If a salamander can grow back an arm, so can Jesus. The last thing I want is a government full of midgets telling me Jesus isn't even as good as a salamander.
- David Stringer "Obama calls for bigger government, pledges not to grow a mustache". Reuters, February 26, 2009