UnNews:Pluto totally dissed
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Pluto totally dissed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, October 25, 2016, 00:03:UTC)(
24 August 2006
edit So, You Know What I Heard?
- I heard that Pluto isn't even a fucking planet anymore. Take that, Pluto! You've just been totally slammed! First, you are dismissed as the tiniest fucking planet EVER, and then named after a dog in that stupid-ass Disney cartoon, (Pluto the dog is stupid by the way) and now this. Hey Pluto! You know what people are calling you now? A "dwarf planet" I bet you're just going to sit there and take it like the little pansy-ass non-planet you are. If I were you, I'd just hide away in shame.
- Yeah, yeah, so you've lasted seventy years as a planet, but guess what? Your time is up, bitch! Apparently the International Astronomical Association thinks you're too much of a loser to deserve planatery status anymore. PWNED! In fact, I think the only person who does still like "Pluto" is Jocelyn Bell Burnell, a specialist in neutron stars, but she only likes the cartoon dog, not you. Ha. Dwarf planet. God of the underworld my ass.
edit To Be A Real Planet You Have To Meet Certain Qualifications
- Are you a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun? Check. Do you have sufficient mass for your self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that you assume a ... nearly round shape? Check. Have you cleared the neighborhood around your orbit? Wait, what's that? You rely on Neptune's orbit? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess that means you just suck too much to be a planet. Tough titties. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Your co-dependant ass just got BITCH-SLAPPED!
edit Pluto Got Downsized!
- Sorry, this corporation no longer has a need for a "Pluto" We're merging your department with the mailing room.
- Take that Pluto.
- Suck it.
edit Even the guy who discovered you is ashamed!
- I didn't ask him or anything. He's probably dead. But imagine the sheer joy of actually discovering a planet, only to have it recatergorized because the so-called planet was too dumb to retain planetory status. Good going, Pluto. Real fine fucking job you did there.
- Tell you what. Why don't you go back to your trailer, spend your paycheck that you should be using to feed your family on beer and pay-per view Wrestlemania, and writhe in the hopeless, shallow existence that everybody knows you live. Oh, and just so you know, your sister's a whore. I know because I slept with her last night. BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRN.
- Pluto, everybody is laughting at you. I hope Jupiter snaps you with a towel in the locker room.
- You nerd.