UnNews:Please! Rush to safety!

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This column is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-eyeblink misinformation. And by "misinformation", we mean "the truth."

THE MANAGEMENT


Columnist: Pdanforthsome Morris Greeley
Editor-in-Chief, UnNews

9 October 2016

El Niño

That is it, the storm that is going to terraform your tract house until it is underneath the sea.

ATLANTIC COAST, Florida -- As this unprecedented storm nears landfall, it occurs to us that we are the last Respected News Outlet that has not spiked serious news and cleared Page One for a story that delivers what our readers expect: Nagging to do what civil authorities tell us they should be doing.

We can never hope to out-do Fox News anchor Shep Smith, who declared, "You and everyone you know are dead," even though we know that only happened in the Matrix movie and it was worked out through time travel with a little Deus ex machina. Nevertheless, we must implore you to leave your home, with all the people, pets, and record albums you value and — after a quick stop at the supermarket to buy all the bread and milk you can fit in your trunk — travel to a motel in an adjacent city that the storm will spare even as it destroys your home.

Better yet, pull up at your town's firehouse and demand emergency accommodation, alongside that never-used, shiny new pumper truck the town bought to comply with state standards. After all, the floor is clean enough to eat off, although the building will lose power at exactly the same time your house does.

We follow the call of Florida governor Rick Scott and President Obama, neither of whom are ever wrong about anything, and both of whom have called the storm a "monster" and declared an emergency.

Bryan Norcross on the Weather Channel, who is an expert, stated: "This is not hype. This is not hyperbole, and I am not kidding. I cannot overstate the danger of this storm." We would quibble with him on the thing about it not being hype. But hype is good. Hype sells newspapers and induces mouse clicks, and mouse clicks mean revenue and Google rating. So do not underestimate this crisis. Put the kids in the back, the dog on the roof, and get out of town now, before disaster strikes, despite the fact that we have reported it already has.

The most unprecedented storm in ten years is final proof that your teakettle, Hibachi, and pick-up truck have already set in motion a chain of global warming that is destined to spiral uncontrollably out of control and render the Earth uninhabitable by 1990 next year or so, unless we do something now, failing which it will be too late. This although the last ten years with no such unprecedented storm were not proof of anything, in exactly the way that the pound sterling's collapse to $1.18 one night last week in Asian trading proved we were right that the world had just realized the folly of the Brexit vote, while its recovery to $1.24 the next morning did not mean anything.

And please, please, check UnNews hourly — no, minutely — for updates on this remarkable storm, and for prompt notice on when the "All Clear" is issued. Better yet, place a small rock or a screwdriver on the F5 key to be notified the moment it is safe to go home. Ka-ching!

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