UnNews:Playstation 3 to save humanity from misery, death
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Playstation 3 to save humanity from misery, death
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 19:53 (UTC)
6 November 2006
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HONOLULU, Hawaii -- Crammed in the corner of a hotel's banquet hall, they stood and stared silently, mesmerized by what they were seeing. They were watching a soldier gunning down a giant monster on one TV and Miami Heat's Dwayne Wade taking over an NBA game on the other screen.
What they were really experiencing was the new Sony PlayStation 3, the long-awaited salavation of mankind.
The much-awaited video game console, though that description fails to encompass the holy joy it actually manifests, comes out Nov. 17 in the U.S., although getting one on that date will be as challenging as finding parking at the mall after Thanksgiving.
Almost all were males — from boys with braces and baggy jeans to gray-haired baby boomers. They crowded around two gaming booths with the sleek, lean, black machine behind a plastic case.
"The graphics are crazy, way better than the second one," said Doug Morrison, a 20-year-old University of Hawaii student. "It's more realistic than reality. It's smoother than life itself. It doesn't have any faults, and is pure and holy.
"I'm going kill myself if I don't get one, because life without it is pale and dull and not worth living."
The system starts at $500 for a 20 GB version. The price tag on the 60 GB model is $600, although how can one put a price on touching the face of God, Almighty?
At last, all suffering and torment and ignorance shall be cast aside by the divine Playstation 3, and everyone's life shall be filled with wonder and joy, forever. Amen.