UnNews:Playboy launches Braille issue
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19 January 2007
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CHICAGO, Illinois - Christie Hefner, Hugh’s daughter and president and CEO now that her father, the magazine’s founder and publisher emeritus, is encumbered by his having to wear Depends diapers for adults to avoid embarrassing accidents, announced to a press conference at which Unnews’ own Lotta Lies was in attendance that Playboy Enterprises is launching a new Braille edition of its publication.
“We have always championed the rights of sexually deprived men and other handicapped individuals,” she said, “so it just makes dollars and cents to ensure that the blind have a chance to ogle bare-breasted women as much as sighted voyeurs.”
“It might be useful for guys who‘ve masturbated one time too many, too,” she joked, referring to the old wives’ tale that frequent masturbation, or self-pollution, as the practice was once known, could cause blindness.
The new edition features Pamela Anderson. To suggest the actress’ contours, the magazine will include raised concentric circles, as contour maps do to suggest the elevations of various land features, most notably hills and mountains. By counting the raised circles, the reader will be able to determine any model’s bra size and have a good idea, therefore, of the approximate dimensions of her breasts.
Rosie O’Donnell, a co-host of Barbara Walters’ talk show for idiots, The View, had what amounts to increasingly rare praise for the magazine. Lately, the one-time comedienne and full-time lesbian has had nothing but negative comments to make as she attempts to prove, once and for all time, that she can be funny and tries, at the same time, to increase the show's moribund ratings. However, she favored Braille Playboy, as the magazine for the unsighted will be known, as “a breakthrough in the exhibition of T & A worthy of Heidi Fleiss, the madam to the stars.”
“Christie has shown that she is a first-class purveyor of porn,” O’Donnell opined, “as well as a stalwart champion of the handicapped.”
Walters offered her standard line: “That poor, pathetic woman.”
Another feature of Braille Playboy will be a Vaginometer, which is a raised, elliptical shape the perimeter or which suggests the extent to which the featured model dilated her private parts during the photo spread. “The larger the indicated diameter, the hotter the model,” Hefner explained. “It’s just something fun we added for the guys who lack the ability to take their own measurements visually, something to make the magazine a little more interactive.”
One idea for a feature was rejected. “Daddy suggested we include a few scratch-and-sniff panels, scented with--well, I’ll leave that to your imaginations. I said, no way, not while I’m, running this rag. I draw the line at tastelessness.”
Larry Flint, publisher of Hustler, a magazine notorious for its lack of taste, said, “Maybe we’ll feature that item in our next issue.”
“To keep up with the electronic world of publishing, we have to be bold as well as beautiful,” Hefner declared.