UnNews:Plans change for U.S. border wall
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Plans change for U.S. border wall
Fake News that's honestly fake
Friday, April 21, 2017, 16:52:UTC)(
31 March 2017
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, New Mexico -- After campaigning on a theme that the U.S. needs a massive wall on its southern border that Mexico must pay for, President Trump has conceded that Mexico must also host the wall.
The policy change came after Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke observed that putting the wall on the U.S. side of the Rio Grande would mean giving away the river to Mexico. Zinke, who studied engineering at Wharton where Trump got his degree in tweeting, said that the U.S. border wall must be put completely inside Mexico.
Even if the wall were built with frequent doors, lockable from the north, so that U.S. officials could go through and reopen irrigation valves every time playful Mexicans shut them off, there are plenty of playful Mexicans in the Immigration Service, under Obama-era quotas, who might lock them out.
In Texas, most of the land slated for a border fence is privately owned. Putting the wall on the U.S. side would separate crop fields from the federally mandated Porta-Potties for farm workers, forcing them to clear Customs twice during each federally mandated rest break. Moreover, although Trump has promised to write an Executive Order overriding endangered-species protections, some of the land may be sacred Indian burial grounds. You just never know until you start building something and "natives" in Pussy Hats start arriving from Oregon.
Putting it down the middle of the river is not a solution either. The resulting Water Park would make a mockery of the border situation and create a steady supply of "wet backs," hardly a solution to the out-of-control immigration picture.
Speaker Paul Ryan was barely one day into complaining that there is no money for the wall, it would never pass the Senate, and House rules require that the 2018 election be held first — when the Republican Party devised a brainstorm that will finally let Trump say Mexicans paid for it: A new 2% tax on money wired from the U.S. into Mexico. Fresh from its circular firing squad on repealing Obama-care, and always mindful of charges that getting control over illegals is a slap against legal Mexican immigrants, the pro-investment, anti-tax Republicans will enact a new tax on capital that actually does slam legals. The stratagem should be sufficient to shut up both the Hispanic lobby and the Tea Party movement for good.
- "Zinke: Border Wall 'Complex,' Faces Geographic Challenges". Associated Press, March 30, 2017
- Seth McLaughlin and Stephen Dinan "Border wall funding solved: GOP pushes for 2% fee on money immigrants send home". Washington Times, March 31, 2017