UnNews:Planned Parenthood to conduct legitimate rape classes

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20 August 2012

ToddAkin
A rapist attends one of Planned Parenthood's new Legitimate Rape clinics.

WASHINGTON, DC -- In its ongoing effort to reduce the incidents of unwanted pregnancy, Planned Parenthood has decided to conduct a series of information classes aimed at instructing rapists in the art of legitimate rape. With the increase in not-so-rapey practices such as kind of getting permission from the victim, pregnancies among rape victims have started to climb across the country and across the spectrum of rape demographics.

"Let me make it clear that we are not condoning rape," said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Nomeen Snow. "But in so many cases where the legitimacy of the rape is maybe a little bit iffy - such as date rape and, you know, when her mouth says 'no' but her lack of ability to resist after being threatened with violence says 'yes' - many women can't get that thingy that shuts stuff down down there to work properly. So what we are doing is instructing men who are going to rape people anyway in how to do it legitimately, in such a way as to ensure that whole thing shuts down."

When asked what rapists can do to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, Snow reiterated that as long as the rape is performed legitimately, preganancy from the rape will be a rare occurence, as his victim's shut-down thingy should function well. "What we do is encourage them to make absolutely certain that the victim understands that she is being raped. This can involve actual physical violence as opposed to threats, which some women's bodies might misconstrue as foreplay, keeping that whole thing operational throughout the ordeal. Also, making sure the victim is conscious is very important - in some cases rapists have been known to convince semi-conscious victims that they are enjoying the rape. That could also disable the shut-down process and result in another unwanted pregnancy."

The organization, known for its work in keeping women not pregnant by any means necessary, expects to make a significant difference in the incidents of unwanted rape pregnancies by the end of the year.

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