Planet X to destroy Earth
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, January 21, 2019, 16:25:UTC)(
17 April 2018
TRACY ISLAND, South Pacific -- After several failed predictions over the years, Planet X, also known as Nibiru, has arrived in the Solar System and will destroy the Earth on April 23.
Earth's destruction was originally predicted by Nancy Lieder for Planet X/Nibiru's nearest approach to Earth on May 27, 2003. Per advice from the Zeta Mexican drug cartel via an implant in her brain, the rogue planet was supposed to stop the Earth's rotation for 5.9 days and cause a major shift or flip in the magnetic poles. This did not happen and it was later admitted that the Zetas miscalculated the date for April Fools Day that year. However, it was later found that several Polish politicians did flipflop on voting that day proving the prediction was valid.
Major news organizations like the New York Post and Fox News predicted destruction by Planet X/Nibiru in 2012 and 2017 but the overwhelming flood of fake news stories and governmental denials apparently intimidated the planet and prevented its close approach. Astronomers contended that it was never viewed or detected, but Lieder noted that "Those guys just don't squint hard enough when looking for stuff."
This time, however, Planet X has brought the mysterious Planet Nine and the invisible dwarf star Nemesis along. It is not known if they plan to destroy the Earth by crashing into it or just ripping it apart with gravitational forces. Las Vegas oddsmakers have set "crashing" as an odds-on favorite although British bookmakers have it at evens.
It was revealed that President Trump had known about this since his inauguration and made no announcement, causing an uproar. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee explained, "You all know that the president has been very busy being BFF with Putin, baiting wacko dictators and allies, throwing team members to the wolves and channeling Huey Long all in order to Make America Golf Again. Besides, it's Obama's fault." Several giant serpents then came out of a nearby lake and tore her to shreds as prophecized.
People wishing to view the Earth's destruction will be able to see it conveniently from any rooftop or hill in their immediate area. Authorities recommend bringing water, sunscreen and hats as much of the destruction will be during the middle of the day. Bring snacks if you have small children. No special eyewear will be needed as was necessary for the 2017 eclipse. Snapchat, Instagram and most other social media sites have expanded capacity to prevent slow uploads of Armageddon images. Facebook users have been advised to just send photos directly to Cambridge Analytica. Marauding Planet X/Nibiru spacecraft have stated they will not be able to provide tours. In any case, Yelp only rates them at about 2 stars. Massive robot armies will not only sweep the Earth to eliminate all humans but to insure that only legal, authorized souvenir merchandise is sold by street vendors before killing them.
Walmart and other stores will be closing early on April 23; check details for your locale.
- Staff "Biblical prophecy claims the Rapture is coming April 23, numerologist says". Fox News, April 11, 2018