UnNews:Plane crash foils Nigerian sultan's escape plan, Illinois farmer's get-rich-quick scheme
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Plane crash foils Nigerian sultan's escape plan, Illinois farmer's get-rich-quick scheme
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, October 14, 2015, 02:50:UTC)(
29 October 2006
"It all started when I got the email," said Illinois resident Frank G. Libbel in an exclusive interview with UnNews. "From the moment I read the first two lines, 'Dear Friend', I knew this was a man I could trust, no matter what the Yahoo spam filter said."
Nigerian Sultan of Sokoto Ibrahim Muhammadu Maccido dan Abu Bakar had contacted Libbel in confidence with a business proposition. Maccido believed he was the target of an assassination attempt, and asked Libbel to help him transfer the contents of his bank accounts to the United States before he left Nigeria, for which Libbel was to be handsomely compensated. All Maccido needed was Libbel's bank statements, credit card numbers, and photocopies of his driver's license, Social Security card, and birth certificate.
"Of course I agreed," Libbel said, "I saw no way this plan could fail". Libbel replied favorably to the Nigerian diplomat, and the two had arranged to meet in Nigeria's Sokoto province, where Maccido would, as he put it, "send [Libbel] to a better place". Financially, of course.
Those plans were thwarted at around noon local time on Sunday, when a plane Maccido was on crashed just after takeoff from Nigeria's capital of Abuja, the 11th such airline accident in Nigeria since 1995. Maccido was one of the 97 people found dead out of a total of 104 passengers.
ADC chief executive Mfon Udom, who visited the crash site, assured the public that his planes were safe and the crash was a result of operator error, not mechanical malfunction or foul play.
"There's absolutely no evidence to suggest any part of the plane was broken or tampered with," Udom said, hiding a smirk while lugging a large sack of money labeled 'Evidence' into his car. "In fact, we're still anticipating to be certified by international safety standards by the end of the year."
Right now, the only standards ADC flights meet are the Nigerian Gambling Control Board's Russian Roulette certification requirements. An NGCB representative speaking under condition of anonymity told UnNews that other certifications are expected to follow "since the air is far too rough for any sort of rigged craps throw to be successful".
Despite Libbel's anguish over the demise of his business partner, he remains optimistic about future opportunities. "Yesterday alone," he said, "I received seven more emails from various Nigerian princes and officials in similar predicaments. I'm glad that I can at least help those people onto a path of financial freedom."
In other news, the prize-winning racehorse Nigerian Internet Fraud was found murdered in his stall in Santa Anita, California this morning. A group of assailants apparently snuck into the horse's stable at night and physically beat it to death, then continued to pummel its corpse in a horrifying display of violence. Although in official press statements local police maintained that they had no leads in the case, FBI reports leaked to the press indicated a number of Uncyclopedia editors were under investigation and suspected of being involved.
- Associated Press "Generous diplomat among those killed in Nigerian plane crash". CNN, October 29, 2006