UnNews:Plan to clone Hitler hindered by protests
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Plan to clone Hitler hindered by protests
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 29, 2017, 11:14:UTC)(
A plan by German scientists to clone Adolf Hitler has been set back by protests from against the globe. Dieter Schade, the main researcher at Swastiklone Inc., made a public statement yesterday acknowledging the opposition while reiterating that his scientists would continue their research.
“There are many benefits to this research,” Schade said from his laboratory in Bonn. “In studying the resurrected Hitler we will learn invaluable information on how our – I mean the - great leader thought. It will be a boon for the study of human psychology.”
Hitler is thought to have had suffered from psychological disorders. He was diagnosed with psychosis during World War I, in which he fought for the Bavarian army and was injured in a gas attack, brought on by fermenting sour kraut . The scientists at Swastiklone hope to gain insight into how Hitler thought both before and after his rise to power in Germany, how he garnered such massive public support, and the reasoning behind his moustache. Schade also hinted that the corporation had additional plans not available to the public, upon which he declined to comment. In researching this story, however, UnNews journalists spotted conference rooms filled with maps covered in diagrams, theaters showing vintage German propaganda films, and a dartboard with a picture of Elie Wiesel's face over the bullseye.
The details of Schade's cloning procedure remain secret. Hitler's body was burned by Eva Braun after he committed suicide in 1945, and what little remains of his body is tightly guarded by Russian authorities. Schade claimed that Swistiklone had acquired a genuine “artifact” containing Hitler's DNA. Nothing specific was said about the artifact other than a cryptic “Turns out he had two after all.”
Swastiklone's announcement has led to widespread opposition from around the world. Peace activist and U2 lead singer Bono called the plan “stupid,” saying that he would make sure to print a condemnatory statement for the insert of his band's next CD. Several companies have expressed interest in buying the rights to a New York man's idea for a car magnet in the shape of the popular breast cancer ribbon with the slogan “NO MORE HITLER CLONES,” to “show solidarity for the Jews who died in the Holocaust, and also to protest this cloning thing” according to the man's Geocities website.
Swistiklone has insisted that any experiments they conduct will be strictly controlled and under their supervision at all times except when we are away for the Octoberfest. “Our Hitler clone will unite the world under one government, and the Star of David will not be on our flag,” Schade stated.
“It's all strictly confidential, but our research is going to change the world,” he said enthusiastically, “especially Poland.”