UnNews:Plaintiff must prove she's "too sexy to work"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
23 June 2012
WASHINGTON, DC – Former Female Body Investigation (FBI) agent Erika Bobilla, 38 (years old) and 36-24-36 (bust, waist, and hips, respectively), claims that she was fired for being “too sexy for my job.” Her fellow FBI agents, all of whom were female, were “jealous,” she says, “because, next to me, they look like prunes and raisins, while I am definitely a peach—or a love apple.” Now a professional singer, Bobilla isn't exactly singing the blues. “I expect to settle out of court for big bucks.”
She is confident that her
ambulance chaser attorney, Gloria Allred, “will get a huge out-of-court settlement, as she always does in her litigation work,” Bobilla said, “regardless of the merits of my own specific case.”
Allred alleges that Bobilla might have been “sexually harassed” because of her ethnicity, too. “She's a Latina,” the lawyer pointed out, “and a singing Latina, at that.”
Allred was unclear as to how Bobilla's ethnicity (or singing) is related to her client's sex or, for that matter, the claim that the former FBI agent was ever “harassed.” Attempted clarification only further muddied the water. “Everyone knows Latin lovers are sexier and prettier and more fiery than other women,” Allred said, angering non-Hispanic women everywhere, who charged Allred with sexism, chauvinism, and ethnic and sexual bigotry.
According to Bobilla, her fellow “female agents” rifled through her underwear and spread rumors that she had ascended through the ranks not because of her job skills but “because of certain other skills” that are related more to the bedroom than to FBI's business at hand. “She's very talented, all right,” one of Bobilla's former colleagues agreed.
Bobilla is in good company—or, depending upon how one defines such issues, not-so-good company. Allred has represented other women who believe that they, too, are “too sexy to work,” including Lauren Odes, who said her blimp-size breasts were "too big to fit into Victoria's Secret's skimpy lingerie,” and Debralee Lorenza, who swore, under oath, that her “body was too distracting” and “prevented men—and, frequently, women—from tending to their work whenever I was in the office.”
“Objection!” Allred cried, looking incensed, when she heard these comments. “That's sexist!”
The trial judge, Oscar Unger, said he's “looking forward to the trial,” when he will order the plaintiff to “disrobe numerous times, perhaps in my chambers,” and “will hold that bitch Allred in contempt of court at every opportunity.”
Bobilla has claimed that she's too sexy to work, the judge declared. “The burden of proof is upon her.”