UnNews:Pittsburgh Steelers trounce Conway Cougars
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Pittsburgh Steelers trounce Conway Cougars
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, April 29, 2016, 20:47:UTC)(
26 May 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today the Pittsburgh Steelers celebrated their crushing defeat of the Conway Cougars with a barbecue with President Obama himself. Obama, a self-described "fan" of the team, was all smiles as he met them.
"Come in, come in... No, nothing else going on, I've got the whole day cleared for you!", said the President as he strode out of the empty White House into the large and empty lawn. "Plenty of room around here; please, make yourself comfortable!"
The Steelers victory over the Conway Cougars that morning was all the talk. "They put up a great defense, real scrappy, especially the bigger ones they called 'moms', but in the end, we were able to blow past their defense like they weren't even there!," said Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. He refers to the last thirty seconds of this epic battle, when Santonio Holmes made an incredible catch of the gate pass, bulling through the defense to do so, and presenting it to the security staff, just seconds before the other team could.
"Yeah, we all owe a lot to Santonio, but it was definitely a team effort," said Ryan Clark. "Heck, at the start, it looked like we had it in the bag, but what a turn around as we got near the gate!"
The game had started out well, with the Steeler's comfortably pulling ahead in the trip to the White House, making good time, while the Conway Cougars repeatedly stopped for "baffwoom bweaks." However, just when it seemed that this would be a cakewalk, the Steelers pulled up to the gate, only to find that the Conway Cougars had miraculously found a shortcut, placing them squarely in front of the Steeler's bus.
Wasting no time, the Steelers offensive line dived out of the bus, but the Conway Cougars had their standard defensive line of "moms'" out and ready while the shorter members of the team were milling about. While half the Steelers were able to tackle numerous members of the Conway Cougars, especially the short ones, the "moms" showed every inclination of holding the line.
Hearing the cry, "Go Deep!" was enough for Santonio, who charged straight into the "moms", dashing several of the shorter players to the side in the process. "Those short ones cried like little bitches", Santonio said, "But if you don't want to get hurt, don't play in the first place!" It was the final charge straight into "mom" Paty Stine, in which he then ran over the fallen woman, that did the trick. Turning, he caught the gate pass, and the victory was theirs.
President Obama hailed the Steelers as having the type of courage and spirit that built this great nation. "You saw an obstacle but did not let it deter you. You heard forlorn pleas but did not let that trick you. You set your eyes on the task and fulfilled it, come what may", he solemnly said. "America is proud, boys!"
The President then spent the entire day with the Pittsburgh Steelers, showing off his petting zoo, private carnival, three-ring circus, and enormous smörgåsbord of chocolate ice cream, candy bars, cotton candy, and gummy bears. Then he exempted them all from taxes and the law for the rest of their lives, and gave free mansions to all their dads.
"I do this not because I'm a fan, but because these men are winners. That, and I much prefer dealing with millionaires then a bunch of middle class schmucks who think that they can rely on 'cuteness' to get what they want. Cuteness did not build this nation - Winners did!", declared President Obama, shortly before giving all of them a ride on Air Force One, a ride in which they went to EuroDisney, where they met with the assembled leaders of the European Union before being knighted by Queen Elizabeth.
In responding to cries of "foul" from the disgruntled Conway Cougars, White House spokesperson said "While the President likes the middle classes, it's not like they missed anything. There's nothing much to see here that would have interested them. The whole day was quite boring, really. And isn't it about time these sore losers grew up?"