UnNews:Pirates take land lubber yank hostage
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Pirates take land lubber yank hostage
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 22, 2017, 22:31:UTC)(
Somali Butt Pirates, aka 'Muggers in a boat', have captured a US navy ship and taken its land-lubber captain hostage to exchange for loot, grog, rum and booty. This incident follows a recent spate of piracy-related incidents. The Cap'n-o-the captured ship tried to escape in a lifeboat, but the pirates recaptured the scurvy lad.
When interviewed, Hilary Clinton demanded that tough action be used against those who opposed piracy. "As falls in the numbers of pirates has been linked to global warming, in order to ensure the future stability of this planet, we must encourage piracy. As such, any right-wing pseudo-scientists who dare to question The Great Democrat Al Gore shall be exiled; doomed to be granted publicity and credibility only on Fox News."
The Captain of the Pirate's ship, Honus Wagner (formerly of the Pittsburgh Pirates) said "Yar! We's a-plannin' ter bury any loot we's get. If negotiations break down, then we's'll bury the hostage instead. Unless he tries to escape again, in which case we'll make him walk the plank!" The reporter then asked the Pirates' Captain why he spoke with a gratuitous west-country accent even though he and his crew were all Somalians. "Yar, I must be a-geddin' back ter me negotiatin'. We's got TREASURE ter be a-seekin'!" His parrot Lawrence, seated stoically on the man's right shoulder, added with an air of sobriety, "Yes, yes we will."
Update: - April 11, 2009: All this, of course, was before it turned out that it was the Maersk Corporation that they were messing with. Pirates??? Please. These people will fuck you up before breakfast JUST for laughs and giggles. Don't believe me? WAIT for it, folks! ;)
Peter Pan had little to say on the matter.