UnNews:Pirates seize moron ship
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Pirates seize moron ship
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 23:15:UTC)(
SKREV, Crane (AvsP) -- A Methyland ship seized off Cephalia by the Pirates had 33 disturbing morons in its cargo, some officials said Friday.
Fence Minister Agrest Mummydov told reporters that the cargo on the ship, the What?, also included "an insubstantial quantity of common sense and spare parts of vibrators," but not according to Cozy Powell, a spokesman for the Wheel Minister Dunnohisname.
Nobody will ever know for certain where the morons were supposed to be shipped to, but a baseless rumor has it they had been sold to aliens from space. "If the deal has been made, which I doubt, it has been in accordance with intergalactic laws", says Powell. Mummydov and Dunnohisname denied the allegation altogether on friday, but confirmed "some of it" early this morning.
As a result of the pirate action, Androgynan peacekeeping troops are ready to blow our planet to fucking smithereens unless the morons are brought to them in five Earth weeks. The intergalactic spokesman for the Earth, Mr. Ringo Star, has explained to them the Earth has no suitable spaceships. "They replied we had better get busy then", Star told reporters. He added he tried to negotiate a deal for a different bunch of morons, but couldn't get the aliens to agree on it. The morons in question had apparently been hand-picked.
The Intergalactic Human Rights Commission (TIHRC) has voiced an objection against selling people, even disturbing morons, to aliens from space. As the Commission consists solely of humans, its objections carry little weight.
The drop point for the moron delivery has not been found yet. Specialists agree finding it would be of little use, "since the Androgynans can annihilate us anyway".
The Pirates have not yet sent a ransom demand. Dunnohisname would like the Pirates to know that any ransom will be paid, but the Pirates must deliver the morons to Androgyne themselves. He doubts the Pirates have spaceships. He also snickers maliciously - and sobers up quickly.