UnNews:Pirates of the Caribbean attack Gonaïves
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Pirates of the Caribbean attack Gonaïves
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 11:31:UTC)(
25 May 2007
Port au Prince, Haïti — In a surprise attack, the Pirates of the Caribbean occupied the port city of Gonaïves in northern Haïti. Within two hours, they overwhelmed the defending forces of the United Nations, giving defeat to the UN effort to safeguard the city from piracy. The occupation of an entire city is unusual behavior for pirates, who normally prefer to steal treasure and set sail.
An UnNews correspondent, embedded with the Mission des Nationes Unies pour la Stabilisation en Haïti (MINUSTAH), witnessed pirates landing on the coast, torching UN vehicles, capturing police stations, and assassinating the UnNews correspondent. The pirates rounded up several residents of Gonaïves, supplied them with blank DVDs and burners, and forced them to make illegal copies of several motion pictures. The pirates blasted commands in both French and Creole. "Avast-vous les Haïtiens, et faire des films piraté."
MINUSTAH then fled south for the capital of Port au Prince. MINUSTAH largely avoided casualties, but the Police Nationale d'Haïti lost several hands and legs before surrendered the city of Gonaïves.
edit Pirates on the rise! ARRRRGH!
The latest attack may confirm what many people already suspect: that after sharp declines during the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, pirates are now rapidly increasing in numbers.
Market data supports the conclusion that the number of pirates is increasing. The Hook and Peg Factory in Port Royal, Jamaica reports that sales of metal hooks and wooden legs have increased sharply during the past two years. A spokesman for the factory, on condition on anonymity, told UnNews that the factory once sold silverware and furniture, but switched to hooks and pegs to meet the increasing demand from people who say "ARRRRGH!" and have boatloads of treasure to spend.
A spokesman for the New International Ninja Japanese Association (NINJA), on condition of anonymity, told UnNews that ninjas were glad for the increasing numbers of pirates. "For we feared that pirates would soon become extinct. After this extinction, ninjas would not be able to fulfill their duty to kill all pirates. That situation would bring shame to all ninjas. But now, with pirates multiplying, more ninjas may attain the honour of slaying a pirate."
edit "Ninjas Cause Global Warming"
However, the ninjas, known for their stealth, may only be hiding their desperate situation.
A two-year old report distributed by Saudi Arabia describes the last major offensive by pirates against a city. The Saudis believe that the pirates, in their eternal battle against the ninjas, sieged the ninja stronghold of Kyoto, Japan, in 1997. At first, the ninjas fought well on their home territory. They threw ninjastars at the pirates, and by the year 2000, only 17 pirates remained.
"However, then the pirates discovered a Black Pearl and used it to summon the ghosts of the dead pirates," states the Saudi report. When the ghosts descended on Kyoto, some of the ninjas fled to protect their ancestors. However, it took five more years for the pirates to steal all of the ninjastars so that the ninjas would not have any weapons.
Thus the pirates forced the Kyoto Treaty of 2005 on the ninjas. Science has forgotten an important fact: that as the number of pirates declined, the average temperature of our planet increased. Because ninjas kill pirates, the pirate who signed the Kyoto accord gave a four-word summary: "Ninjas cause global warming." The aim of the Kyoto pact is to reverse global climate change by increasing the number of pirates.
In the United States, the White House reacted to news of the fall of Gonaïves by proclaiming that pirates are a part of the War on Terra. Though Americans had already sacrificed much to assist the fight against Mother Nature. Many Americans have purchased expensive sport utility vehicles (SUVs) designed to harm Terra. They persist in buying gasoline to feed these SUVs, even as the price of gasoline exceeds the inflation-adjusted record.
Though Americans are actively trying to destroy Terra on the domestic front, the rise of pirates is another threat, because the pirates are assisting Terra by reversing global warming.
A spokesman for the defense ministry, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the US Navy is actively deterring pirates. "By patrolling the coast of Somalia and the Malacca Straits, both regions with high concentrations of piracy, the Navy is furthering another objective in the War on Terra."
Analysts widely believe that the United States has deepened its alliance with Japan because Japan harbors most of the ninjas, those enemies of the pirates. The United States has also established a "Warlords In, Pirates Out" policy for Somalia; the US supports the Transitional Federal Government of Somalia.
However, when UnNews asked the spokesman if the United States would help liberate Gonaïves, a city on an island close to the US, the spokesman said, "That is not an option. All options are on the table."
Analysts widely believe that the US forces are bogged down in Iraq, assisting President Jalal Talabani with his ongoing struggle with obesity.
edit Pirates releasing documentary
The pirates do not seem to be sufficiently deterred.
According to their official web site, this week the pirates are releasing the third episode of their documentary, Pirates of the Caribbean. The episode skillfully protrays the pirates as the protagonists and heroes, while casting the Caribbean governments as evil and oppressive. The pirates have also threatened to make pirated copies of their own documentary so that more people can view it.
They are planning several more sequels, including Pirates of the Malacca Straits and Pirates on a Plane.
- David Anthony Denny "U.S. Ambassador Sees Real Hope for Demise of Piracy in Somalia". United States Department of State, May 25, 2007
- Gary Gentile "American patriots don't let gas prices deter use of SUVs in War on Terra". Associated Press, May 25, 2007
- MINUSTAH.ORG "Gonaïves gives last hommage to assassinated journalist Alix Joseph before MINUSTAH and PNH leave city". MINUSTAH, May 24, 2007