UnNews:Pirates continue global rampage, plunder box office revenues

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24 July 2006

Caribbean Sea- Captain Jack Sparrow and his band of scurvy knaves have struck again. Another armored ship carrying Hollywood box office revenues bound for Switzerland by way of Genoa, Italy, has been commandeered and emptied by the crew of the Black Pearl.

Captain Jack Sparrow

Hollywood execs have offered a "sizeable amount" of money as bounty for the person or group of persons that manages to break the stranglehold of Captain Jack Sparrow and his Pirates of the Caribbean.

The 18th such vessel in as many days seized by Captain Sparrow and his crew, the armored merchant vessel, was transporting $35 million worth of revenue harvests. Hollywood estimates losses in profits to the "Pirates of the Caribbean" (as Captain Sparrow and his crew have been named by the press and public) with this morning's raid since the first attack on July 7th to be around $321.7 million dollars.

Captain Jack Sparrow is no stranger to the business of stealing box office revenue. In 2003, he first emerged from the sea with his Pirates of the Caribbean, and tales of his now-legendary exploits continue to thrill teenagers. On this first trip, the crew of the Black Pearl, rumored to be cursed, gathered $305 million in box office profits before mysteriously vanishing. Some claim that the Black Pearl fell victim to the depths of Davy Jones's locker, although these claims are obviously false.

Experts have thus far been unsuccessful in ending this recent round of pirate raids, although it's not due to lack of effort. Concerned about the safety of box office revenue exports, Hollywood companies have made several attempts to undermine the "Pirates of the Caribbean", including releasing the Monster House, Lady in the Water, Little Man, and Clerks 2.0. Superman's recent return from outer space left many with high hopes, but currently he is still in critical condition as a result of kryptonite exposure and is under 24 hour observation at Metropolis General Hospital. Although Hollywood insiders believe otherwise, the rampage of Captain Jack Sparrow's Pirates of the Caribbean may continue for several weeks.

Independent speculators have high hopes for a weapon currently being fine tuned by New Line Cinema. Codenamed "Snakes On A Plane", critics doubt the weapon's effectiveness, scoffing the very idea of a plane full of snakes, while supporters point out the weapon's hypnotic effect on teenagers in test runs. Teenagers comprise a major portion of the followers of Captain Jack Sparrow. New Line Cinema plans to implement the weapon on August 18.

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