UnNews:Phoenix star shooter goes 0-for-10

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2 February 2014

Boer pig with handgun

This is an artist's rendition of the youth, who should never again be allowed near a basketball court during conference games.

PHOENIX, Arizona -- A basketball game here was marred when a marquee shooter went 0-for-10.

Though hundreds of people attended the game at the Che Guevara High School, no one was injured by the shots, which rained down like bricks.

The shooter spoke on condition of anonymity, as his college scholarships could be at risk. "I don't know what went wrong. I was hitting everything during warm-ups. During the game, my aim seemed right, but none of my shots hit the mark."

Student Alicia Soweto told media outlet AZcentral that she and other teens took off running when they heard the shots and never looked back, not unlike parents whose little darling wilts under the pressure of varsity competition. The campus was placed on lockdown and the Fire Department treated three people for stress-induced injuries — as none of the three expected tension or excitement at a sporting event.

Miss Soweto also said she heard someone yell, "It's going to happen now," just before it happened — which is unsurprising, as it did happen. But KTAR reported instead that a gang name was shouted, surely the Tea Party movement, which was also blamed for Jared Loughner's more accurate shooting of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords.

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Even reporters who did not sense an opportunity to work partisan politics into a news brief were giddy at being able to include in their dispatches the news cliché that the school mayhem occurred on what should have been the happiest moment of the week.

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