UnNews:Philosophy student comes to realization that "It's all a dream, man"
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Philosophy student comes to realization that "It's all a dream, man"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 00:44:UTC)(
2 August 2007
Freshman philosophy major Lawrence Wilkes came to the realization last week, while trying to come up with an opening sentence for an expository essay due in his Philosophy 103: Metaphysics class, taught by world renowned Professor Richard Hennessey, that reality was "just a dream", and that what was real was only what we "thought" was real. Armed with this profound insight, Lawrence typed out 2 pages (double spaced), fulfilling the class requirement for that paper. He then handed it in, expecting to set the world of philosophy on fire with his discerning intellectual rigor and out-of-the-box theories.Said Wilkes: "All these philosophers are all on this 'logic' type shit, but I'm moving beyond that, into reality -- real reality. Like that Aristotle dude."
Professor Hennessey was less than receptive about Wilkes' supposedly "earth shattering" theory, and the paper received only a lukewarm C grade. "Let me see... Lawrence Wilkes... Paper... Oh, he's in the freshman class? Umm, I have my Grad students grade those papers, I never even read them."
But Lawrence Wilkes still has hope that his profound insight can make it into a "serious scholarly journal" such as Time or Sports Illustrated. Wilkes has refused to comment on a report of having been contacted by editors from Mad Magazine. Says Wilkes "I know it's kind of hard theory to get at first, but after you've had a few, it really makes a lot of sense. And once I get that published, then Doc Hennessey will HAVE to give me an A in that class."
"If Prof. doesn't change my grade I'll just, sort of, have to dream him out of existence man." a frustrated Wilkes warned.