UnNews:Philip Seymour Hoffman - Alive & Well

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3 February 2014

PSM

Dead? Don't be silly.

CHICAGO, Illinois -- Reports of the unexpected death of legendary actor Philip Seymour Hoffman have been quashed today, as he was discovered living in a dumpster in downtown Chicago. The 58-year-old versatile actor from New York was in fantastic shape and was sleeping rough to prepare himself for his upcoming part in Ridley Scott’s new production, Iron Tramp.

A brief interview with the star discussing his supposed death shows how out-of-touch he’s become with events over the past few days. He was shocked but amused at the story: “Dead? That’s pretty funny. I’d like to play a dead guy one day, but I don’t think I quite have the chops yet. The idea that it was a drug overdose is a good one, although I’ve never taken any myself. In fact, I’m so anti-drugs it hurts. Drugs are bad. Stay away, kids!”

Hoffman’s shambolic appearance and his reputation for method acting suggest that recent changes are attempts to get into the part. These include drinking heavily, growing a horrible tramp’s beard and frequently pissing himself to enhance his screen presence: "I love method acting it's my favorite type, although Alec Guinness was pretty good too, and he was just a limey thesp."

Many of Hollywood’s finest were shocked and saddened by his sudden passing, but now, after realizing it was a journalistic mistake, some can see the funny side of it.

Famous misogynist Clint Eastwood remarked, “I never actually thought he died anyway. He’s so anti-drugs I was suspicious as soon as the report came out”.

An investigation is currently under way to discover if this story is in fact another lie.

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