UnNews:Phil Taylor applies for 'Satan' job

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26 July 2009

Blackpool -- Bored of grinding all his opponents in to the dust and sick of having to shake Mervyn (The Queen) King's hand after every victory, Phil (The Tufty) Taylor has told UnNews that enough could well soon be enough. "I'm pissed off" espoused the literate Darts Champ. "Life just doesn't seem the same since Sylvs told Barney (The Rubble) Van Barneveld about our affair."

The Rubble's subsequent loss of form has left The Tufty short of a true and worthy opponent. "I'm so sodding good at darts" said the modest bone tosser, "that I think I could beat Jesus himself."

Lurpak

Lurpak Man on VIP trip for crisis talks with Jesus

When questioned whether this meant that Phil might be applying for the soon to be vacated 'Satan Seat', Taylor replied, "Sodding right! Sky are starting to piss me off good and proper. Telling me to lose the odd game now and again for better viewing figures is a bloody liberty. If I get this Satan job, I'll be getting my own back on Sky and especially Barry Hearn. Just mark my words, mark my words!" He then wandered away muttering what we thought was a mild refrain of "Yes that's right, just mark them, yep mark them" with a slightly Satanic grin and a mild Santa-esque ho ho ho thrown in for no particular reason.

Taylor phil

Taylor pictured just before he applied for the vacant 'Hitler Helm'

Taylor's sanity has been questioned by none other than the infamous Crosby poet, Roger Van Gogh. "He's a plonking Wooly Back" argued Van Gogh. "Since Sylvia went public with their affair, Rubble's lost his arrows and Taylor's lost the plot." When asked if he'd write a poem in honour of the affair, Van Gogh declined citing his new Sky poetry contract.

Latest odds on the Satan Seat

  • Terry Waite 6-1
  • The Lurpak Man 22-1
  • Michael Jackson's dad 300-1
  • Phil Taylor 350-1


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