UnNews:Pet turtle runs away, child heartbroken; investigators actively seeking missing reptile
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Pet turtle runs away, child heartbroken; investigators actively seeking missing reptile
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, January 18, 2017, 22:01:UTC)(
5 July 2007
"He was completely heartbroken, we didn't know what to do," confessed the mother to our on-the-scene UnNews reporters. "We tried telling him that the stupid thing died, but then he found this letter we got in the mail, and... oh, it was just terrible!"
Further investigation revealed that the beloved box turtle climbed out of its bowl while the family was having breakfast early Monday morning, and by noon the next day, had made it out the back door via the convenient doggy flap. Neither of the parents noticed until later that afternoon, as the father had been called in for a surprise double shift at work, and the mother was driving the
obnoxious little brat five-year-old – the only child in the family – to camp during that time. Upon seeing the empty bowl, each apparently assumed the creature had died, and that the other made soup with it. That was when the worst part happened.
Late Wednesday afternoon, the father had just returned from another long day when he saw a suspicious-looking package in the mail. When he opened it, he discovered that it was a crudely-written note from the "cold-blooded little bastard," as he described the creature. Dissatisfied with its miserable life in the family's living room, constantly being stared at by his
bratty owner and all his little friends, it had decided a while ago to run away, but did not have a chance up until camp started earlier that month. It claimed to be living with a tightly-knit group of bums in the back of a railway car, but this is highly improbable as the turtle was not a particularly fast runner even considering its species, and its driver's license had been suspended several months before.
The turtle's name is being withheld until his parents, traveling in Europe, are informed he is missing. It is suspected that "turtle" is living in a hippie styled commune specifically geared for reptiles who wish to engage in pre-marital sex, smoke pot and engage in drug use. Since there is only one such commune in the US it is believed that "turtle" will be located "eventually."
Police are now actively looking for leads as to the location of the missing turtle. Do NOT attempt to shoot "turtle" since it's shell is made of bullet-proof "Kavlar" and may end up injuring the shooter or some innocent bystander. In addition, "turtle" is believed to be armed under his shell, "hopped-up on drugs" and is considered dangerous. If you have any information please call UnNews headquarters at 1-900-867-5309 (ask for Jenny).
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|