UnNews:Pet food recall alarms owners
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
19 March 2007
UNION, NJ - Pet owners are shocked, angered, and confused at allegations that recently recalled pet foods may have been deliberately contaminated with bacteria that cause not only severe abdominal distress to their victims but also may have resulted in the deaths of thousands of their beloved cats, dogs, and guinea pigs in what is rumored, within the pet food industry, to have been an orchestrated campaign to commit what amounts to “pet genocide” throughout North America.
The contaminated pet food was sold in stores throughout Canada and across the United States under 48 different brands of dog food, 40 brands of cat food, and 12 brands of guinea pig food for much of February 2007. Menu Foods of Ontario produced the food, much of which, in the U. S., was sold in such retail outlets as Kroger, Safeway, and Wal-Mart, resulting in kidney failure and, in thousands of cases, prolonged and painful deaths.
One of the victims was Garfield, the cat featured in the comic strip of the same name. The cat’s long-time “friend” and domestic partner, Jim Davis, is arranging funeral services for the famous feline, announcements concerning which, he said, will be released “as soon as possible.” It is rumored that Garfield will be cremated, but a close friend of the family, Odie, who wishes to remain anonymous, doubts that the cat will be “disposed of” in such a manner, citing the late feline’s Catholic faith. “His religion frowns on cremations,” Odie told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies.
Menu Foods made two telephone numbers available for consumers, but when Unnews tried to contact the company’s president, Paul Henderson, a recorded message of mewing cats, barking dogs, and squealing guinea pigs was all that could be heard. “The animals sounded as of they were in extreme distress,” the caller said.
In a brief statement to the media, Henderson admitted, “We don’t know what the hell is going on,” but he vowed that “we will find out.” He suggested that wheat gluten, a source of protein, could have been the culprit, but hedged his bets by adding, “or it could be another substance associated with wheat gluten, or it might be something altogether different from both wheat gluten and any substances associated with it.”
A few days before his death, Garfield seemed, uncharacteristically, to have lost his appetite, a guilt-stricken Davis, said, but he force-fed his feline friend, “hoping my pussy would recover his appetite.” Instead, the cat declined rapidly and died a few days thereafter. “I feel as if I killed him myself.”
Since the recall, it has been suggested that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), in cooperation with Canadian chemists and authorities and working in cahoots with the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA), may have deliberately poisoned Canadian and American pets as a means of “population control.”
Pets reproduce faster than adult animals can be neutered or spayed, faster than they can be put down, and faster than they can be abandoned, run over, or otherwise be “controlled.” The contamination of pet food was seen as a good way to kill thousands of pets before anyone knew what was happening, conspiracy theorists contend. “The only problem is that the victims include a famous feline, and someone did notice.”
Menu Foods spokesman Tom Beamer called the conspiracy theory “preposterous,” but the grieving Davis said, “I’m not so sure.”
Readers may take comfort in knowing that neither Goofy nor Pluto has fallen ill to date, despite Walt Disney-MGM Studio’s reliance upon pet foods supplied by one of the Menu Foods brands, although chipmunks Chip and Dale are reportedly feeling “a little punk.”
- Lotta Lies "Garfield the cat’s ninth life ends too soon for grieving domestic partner". Instant News, 8.891 seconds ago