UnNews:Peruvian man blames toxic flatulence "on meteor crash"
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Peruvian man blames toxic flatulence "on meteor crash"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, December 2, 2015, 05:42:UTC)(
19 September 2007
PERUVIAN YAK FARMER Pablo Shittsobar has denied that his excessive flatulance has caused a sudden outbreak of illnesses in surrounding villages. He blames the outbreak on "a meteorite that crashed in my field, or something". He hypothesizes that the space rock might contain "smelly space gasses that smell a bit like a very bad fart."
It is alleged that Pablo's exclusive diet of "super hot" curried yak has caused "a constant emission of toxic gasses from his digestive system" that has slowly poisoned the surrounding ecosystem, resulting in hundreds of local people falling ill.
People who have visited Pablo have been complaining of headaches, vomiting and nausea after inhaling gases that surround his property. Pablo has dismissed reports of loud "fart like" rumblings coming from the area as "stirring space monsters that are inside the meteor". He has also appealed for the Peruvian army to mobilize in case this is the start of "a fart scale alien invasion."
A team of scientists is on its way to the site to collect samples and verify whether it was indeed a meteorite or just a case of a very bad "curried yak" diet. "Only last year Mr Shittsobad said that a mound of his own steaming crap that he had dumped outside his house was from a giant moon dragon."
"That is why we are asking for an analysis because we are worried for our people. They are afraid. A bull is dead and some other animals are already sick," the scientist added.
The incident began on Saturday night, when people near Carancas in the Puno region, some 1,300km (800 miles) south of Lima, reported seeing a huge fireball coming from Pablo's backside after he had allegedly consumed three plates of curried yak and a bottle of cheap whisky.
Pablo then spewed what officials described as fetid, noxious gases. An engineer from the Peruvian Nuclear Energy Institute told the AFP news agency that so far, no radiation had been detected from Pablo and that has hopefully ruled out any threat of secondary thermonuclear detonation.
Renan Ramirez said: "Thankfully we believe that we are dealing with conventional, though extremely potent, farts that, when emitted, produce gases by fusing with elements of the terrain."