UnNews:Persistent Protestants protest punishment
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.|
11 May 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
CITRUS HEIGHTS, California -- Protesters continued their picket at San Juan High School on Monday after some students were recently suspended for wearing Bible-themed T-shirts that condemned homosexuals. The protesters, who were supported by church activists, again wore their shirts, adding that they felt they have a First Amendment right to do so.
"We're out here to protest the fact that we're getting suspended merely for being righteous enough to tell tell gays that the Bible says they are abominations bound for Hell." said Andrey Zhuravel, one of the suspended students. "If the Bible says we should kill queers, then that's what we should do. We aren't yet at that stage. Soon, God willing, but not now. We're still at the T-shirt stage. The bumper sticker stage is next, which will be so cool. They're scratch 'n' sniff. The ones that we're planning on getting smell like brimstone...kind of sulfury, really."
On Monday the principal of San Juan High School, Dave "Tinker Bell" Terwilliger, suspended five students for wearing the shirts, on which were printed biblical passages like Fags are the ghey! and Teh gheys are fags!. About 15 students went to class wearing the shirts, but most changed out of them and into shirts containing Bible verses that did not attack any specific group, except Lincoln High, which sucks.
The intense rivalry between San Juan and Lincoln's football teams, the Wildcats and the Wildcats, respectively, is well known.
"It's not hate speech if it's our hate speech, damnit." said Fred Phelps, who flew in from the Westboro Baptist Church because he had heard that people were horning in on his turf. "God hates fags. It's just that simple. They're not getting into Heaven, not like me. I'm all pious and shit. Not like those faggy abominations."
But some parents of other students said they have had enough of the protests.
"I have had enough of the protests." said one parent of a student.
"I, too, have had enough of the protests." said another parent of a student.
School administrators stand by the principal's decision.
"We support the right of students to express their views, no matter how reprehensible and idiotic they are. But we believe that school is not the right place to do it." said Trent Allen, spokesman for the San Juan Unified School District. "School is for teaching children...aw, heck, who am I kidding? It's for housing the little brats until they're old enough for prison. This is off the record, right?"
Protesters also demonstrated in front of the Mr. Terwilliger's home and church on Sunday. On Tuesday they protested in his bathroom while he was trying to urinate, and on Wednesday they picketed his minivan while he ordered a meal at a McDonald's drive-thru. On Thursday that had planned to protest while Mr. Terwilliger and his wife, Mrs. Terwilliger, were in flagrante, but their plans were foiled when Mrs. Terwilliger had a headache. As for the future, they have things to do on Friday and can't harrass the principal. "But Saturday is free." offered one protestor. "I'll bring ambrosia salad if Mr. Terwilliger brings the hotdogs. We'll make a day of it."
Mr. Terwilliger could not be reached for comment, as protestors were hogging his telephone, using it to call long-distance to a guy they know in Japan.
"That'll learn 'em." said one protestor. "We're calling Australia next."