UnNews:People with eyes are more likely to be able to see
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The University of Silliecks Periments, Massachussets: It is a very exiciting day. Professor Pat Novcobaiusi, the leader of the Seeology Department at the University has just revealed the results of his twenty-year experiment into the ability of sight of people without eyes. He has concluded something completely shocking and unexpected: people with eyes are much more likely to be able to see than those who happen to not be gifted with organs of visual perception (known by most people as eyes).
Okay, so I'm now going over to ask him about his results. "Uh, Mr. Novcobaiusi, How do you feel about this?"
- "This isn't at all what I expected. I expected all people without eyes to have 20-20 vision, but most of them couldn't distinguish between light and dark. There was one guy, mind you. He didn't have any eyes, or indeed any skin or internal organs. He creeped quite a lot of the other researchers out, and some suggested we took him back to the university for testing. However, I dismissed this as ridiculous. Admittedly, he did have a few dozen animate corpses he kept as pets, which may be considered by some to be a little beyond the normal, and I'm pretty sure a few of our researchers didn't return from his house. Maybe they were having a party or something."
There are many opponents to the results of this experiment, including one Professor Scep Ticman. He is an open critic of Professor Novcobaiusi's works. He says the experiments were "flawed" and the results "fabricated". He issued this comment earlier:
- "I find that the results of this experiment are obviously biased. I've got word that the People In Without Eyes Association (PIWEA) has been funding his experiment. They have been encouraging him to come to the conclusion that most people without eyes can't see so they can continue fraudulently claiming disability benefits from the government. It's all because of a cabal run by people without eyes!"
Novcobaiusi declined comment when I asked for his opinion on Ticman just a minute ago, but I heard him muttering "deranged retard" under his breath as he walked away.
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