UnNews:People overweight, and it's their fault, at all time low
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People overweight, and it's their fault, at all time low
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 30, 2016, 14:59:UTC)(
26 August 2011
LONDON, England -- Fat campaigners have criticised misleading reports on obesity, pointing out that actually, the amount of people who are overweight and it’s their fault, is now at an all time low.
Activist for the pressure group ‘Get-Over Weight’ Clare Lard spoke to UnNews about her outrage at the misrepresentation of those of greater stature: “I may be 14 stone myself, but four stone of that is down to the greater availability of food in today’s society and two stone down to self-esteem issues. My morale weight is 8 stone. Both morally and scientifically: I am thin.”
Get-Over Weight have long campaigned about the unfairness of weight related heart-attacks in people who have a healthy morale weight. “If the additional fat is a product of modern society, you should not be given Diabetes by some fascist doctor,” Lard told us.
Public health minister Anne Milton said the government believed that suppliers and vendors of high-calorie foods should take more responsibility. “We have a pilot scheme running in Bradford where each chocolate bar sold is affixed to an excited labrador, The purchaser must then, on foot, chase the dog over a distance proportionate to the size of the confectionary. It’s simple steps like this that can deliver long-term health benefits to our country.” It has been tentatively suggested that large Frankfurters be used as batons in the 2012 Olympic relay races, to attract greedy youngsters into the sport. Several bus and train companies are considering the raising of fares for passengers with excess weight, or possibly charging fares proportionate to a passenger's girth.
Milton dismissed the idea of a Fat Tax, calling it ineffective. “Taxing people per kilogram they weigh means citizens would be subject to frequent measuring. I know for a fact that many fat people around my constituency have access to balloons, which I am sure they would quickly attach to themselves to cheat any weigh-in. Eliminating balloons from the entire country would, in my opinion, be impractical. It's all too easy to smuggle them deflated.”