UnNews:People leaving the Matrix in droves after red pill mix-up
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People leaving the Matrix in droves after red pill mix-up
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 20:25:UTC)(
16 May 2007
The problem occurred last Thursday at the Mainland Distribution Corporation's central processing plant in Port Lincoln, South Australia. A worker, confused by the similarity in color, mistakenly packed a shipment of Alli (a revolutionary new weight-loss drug) into containers bound for Zion-linked rebels. Conversely, those pharmacies and clinics awaiting the diet pills received "The Red Pills," known for instantly transporting their consumers out of the false reality in which we live, known as the Matrix. Needless to say, a great deal of confusion has occurred as a result. "I know my wife," says Markus Allen of Short Hills, New Jersey; "...she DEFINITELY has no interest in finding out the divine truths of existence. She just wanted to drop a few pounds before beach season."
Reports from within Mega City claim that they've currently liberated over 300 newly enlightened people from their red life-pod...things. These people (primarily middle-aged women with frumpy figures and self-esteem issues) are all quite shocked by the paradigm shift they've unknowingly thrust upon themselves. "A size 6... It was a beautiful black gown...I had 5 more pounds to go. Now, this..." laments Cathy Planes, one of the 300-plus, now crammed into close quarters in a tent city near the heart of Zion.
Back inside the Matrix, the rebellious freedom fighters aren't too happy either: "We needed those Red Pills, damn it..." exclaims Flint, a militant supporter of mental liberation. "How are we supposed to enlist new soldiers to fight those big ass machines? And those FLYING big ass machines?! We need all the help we can get, but all we have are these god damn placebo sugar pills! Nice going Mainland Distribution! You're getting reprogrammed into an ice skating rink as soon as I get back to the ship!"
News of the influx traveled quickly to respected resistance leader Morpheus. According to first-hand accounts, the stoic wiseman was quoted as saying "Its sad these people had to enter our world without prior consent. It seems that many would rather squeeze into their old "skinny" jeans than accept the knowledge of what it truly is to be alive. I'm really damn glad I got my shipment of red pills before this incident." Morpheus added that anyone wishing to return to the Matrix will be attended to and aided.
Most of the transplanted people are relieved to hear of their ability to return home; only a handful opted to stay within the real world. When asked why he wished to knowingly return to a false reality, one man enthusiastically responded "It's gunna be like a dream come true! I'll be able to fly, flip around, look at bullets while they whiz through the air...It's gunna be the ultimate lucid dream!"
When questioned about his destiny-altering mistake, Mainland Distribution factory manager Glenn Paxton stated glumly: "...well, they're both red, aint they?" Rumors of a class action suit against the distribution corporation have began circulating, though it is unclear whether or not these proceedings will be possible if Flint and his crew find their ship: apparently, he's rather serious about turning the plant into a domed ice skating arena and indoor hockey facility.
- Coleman, Claire "Little red pills unlock secrets of reality rather than weight-loss". Daily Mail, May 15, 2007