UnNews:Pentagon says secret unit couldn't have stopped 9/11 attacks
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
22 September 2006
The Pentagon inspector general's office said Thursday that a review of records from the unit, known as C.O.N.T.R.O.L., found no evidence it had identified ringleader Mohamed Atta or any other terrorist who participated in the 2001 attacks. In fact, much of the agency's efforts were focused on a neo-Nazi organization codenamed "K.A.O.S."
The report was ordered following the assertion last year that the unit had identified four of the 19 hijackers in 2000. That claim was made by a former intelligence officer who worked for C.O.N.T.R.O.L., Agent Hymie Robotus, and by Rep. Curt Weldon , vice chairman of the House Armed Services and Homeland Security committees.
Weldon, R-Pa., has said the unit used information gathered by false mustache radio transmitters to link Atta and three other hijackers to al-Qaida more than a year before the attacks. The 71-page report, blacked out in parts, and with some kind of grape jelly sticking most of the pages together, rejected Weldon's claim that C.O.N.T.R.O.L. had the information, but Pentagon lawyers would not allow it to be shared.
Weldon questioned the "motives and the content" of the report and rejected its conclusions. "The Pentagon wishes to keep a 'cone of silence' around the matter and minimize the historical importance of the C.O.N.T.R.O.L. effort," Weldon said in a statement.
"The report would have us believe that this agency was so incompetent and completely focused on K.A.O.S. that it was essentially unaware of the activities of Al-Qaida prior to 9/11," Weldon said. He said the investigation did little to answer the questions it was supposed to examine.
The report acknowledged that one C.O.N.T.R.O.L. member alleged he almost got a potential Al-Qaida organizational chart to the FBI in 2000 by being shot out of a cannon and into the FBI facility. But, the report said he, "missed it by that much," and somehow ended up in a giant vat of tapioca.