Pence misses historic finish

Where man always bites dog

UnNews Logo Potato
Saturday, July 21, 2018, 11:59:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

6 February 2017

Mike Pence waving

The Vice President waves goodbye to fans who have a better ability to tolerate boring spectacles.

HOUSTON, Texas -- It may have been the most improbable comeback in the entire history of American football, but U.S. Vice President Mike Pence did not see it happen.

The politician from Indiana was seen in the owner's box with two other important people at the start of Super Bowl LI (Super Bowl £42). However, after a scoreless first quarter, and a second quarter that saw the Atlanta Falcons drub the New England Patriots, 28-3, Pence was one of thousands of fans who, despite paying thousands of dollars per ticket, decided that the better part of valor would be to "beat the traffic" to a favorite watering hole or their motel room out on the strip.

Pence represented the Administration at the event, as he had in the recent Pro-Life Rally at the Washington Monument, Donald Trump in both cases staying in the White House and tweeting, "Great job, everyone! I so want you to succeed!"

Pussy Hats

The Falcons' bench.

The expressway was not the only potential obstacle to a smooth ride in Pence's mind. "I saw that several players were wearing Pussy Hats beneath their helmets," he told UnNews, "and I expected that one or more of them would give me another scolding from the post-game gazebo not to be a racist bigot homophobe Islamophobe." In fact, they were not Pussy Hats but Doo-Rags, but one can hardly blame the Vice President, who got hectored by a Broadway cast last year.

George H.W. Bush, who administered the initial coin toss, was another luminary who ditched the game after the uncompetitive first half, daring his wife Barbara that his wheelchair could beat her pansy-assed golf cart. Consequently, the former First Couple was likewise unable to see Lady Gaga praise the trans-gendered for a television audience of 100 million he-man Americans.

Moreover, none of these dignitaries got to see New England close the deficit in the second half and force the first overtime period in Super Bowl history, winning the game 34-28. Closing deficits is another thing Trump has addressed mainly by tweeting furiously.

Sources Edit